1 Year Home....

It was today that Nya and I were finally able to join the rest of our family. It was a long but very enjoyable 5 weeks in Uganda. I fell in love with the country, and if I could've chosen whether we joined our family or they joined us in Uganda, I think I would have chosen the latter. I miss the culture. I miss the friendly, loving people. I miss the friends we got to know very well and made family there. I miss the smell. I miss the red dirt. I miss that it was something of Nya's. I plain ol' miss the place.
I still remember the feeling I had the entire trip home. I felt like it wasn't real. I kept having to check to see if Nya was still with me. I was so anxious to see my boys and my husband. I had butterflies just thinking about seeing them again. When I first saw my boys, I just remember thinking how huge they were. Apparently kids (especially boys) grow quite a bit in 5 weeks. I was shocked. I guess I didn't take that into consideration. I remember hugging Josh and feeling a huge weight off of me. I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I had my helper back and I was so grateful for it. Leaving the airport and arriving home was amazing. I didn't want to leave Josh and the boys for a very long time. I was ready to jump back into "my" life, the life I had left 5 weeks ago.
Haha! I was about to have a rude awakening. The next couple of weeks were so hard for me. I felt so alone, so inadequate as a wife and mother. I felt like if I was caring for the boys' needs, I wasn't caring for Nya's, and when I was caring for Nya, I was not caring for the boys. I remember a couple of times the boys needing something and asking my sister, mother-in-law, or a friend to help instead of coming to me, their own Mom. When you're with your kids day in and day out, you're used to providing for them, so to have them go to someone else when I was sitting right next to them was a slap in the face to me. I had to keep reminding myself that those others had been caring for them for 5 weeks. They were only doing what they were used to doing at this point. I felt like I didn't know my boys anymore. I didn't know their likes and dislikes anymore. I didn't know their routine anymore. It was such a helpless and hurtful feeling for me.
Then on top of all that, I remember Nya waking up every morning and thinking to myself, "This is not the little girl I bonded with in Uganda." She wasn't who she was in her own country, in her own environment, 1 on 1 with her new Momma. I was constantly trying to prove my love to her, and still feel I have to do that to this day. That's a tiring feeling. When you have 9 months of a baby growing inside of you, then nursing them and caring for them after they are born, that bonding is a love they need and strengthens the relationship between you and the baby. I didn't have that with Nya. I felt that battle daily of feeling like no matter what I did for her or with her she wasn't seeing me as her Momma, only another "auntie" like one of the many who cared for her at the Baby Home. It took her almost this whole year to finally call me Momma. Up until about a month or so ago, I was Dadda to her. That was hard for me as well, but so rewarding now to finally hear her little voice cry out "Mumma" and know she actually means me. Even to this day our relationship is a struggle. She's still learning to trust me, and I'm still trying to gain her approval and show her I'm her Momma, I love her, and am not leaving her. I still put her to bed some nights and think, "Can I do this? Can I be the mom she needs?"
When people say "adoption is not for the faint of heart", I understand what it really means. I was naive and thought that was just until our sweet baby girl was placed into my arms. I had no idea it was going to be so hard after she got home too. The better days are far surpassing the harder days now. But as hard as it is some days, I love our Little Miss so much. She has spunk and definitely some attitude. I wouldn't give her up for the world. I look at her sometimes and wonder how it could be possible for a baby from so far away, from a totally different culture, to be made so perfectly for our family? I don't care how long it will take for me to prove to her how much I love her and that I'm not leaving her. She is my baby girl, and I will work as hard as I can til I see that love and trust in her eyes for me.....I can almost see it, and with our Savior's help, I know it will be soon. This past year has taught me a lot about myself and my weakness. I am so thankful for His strength, grace, and mercy towards me....

Below is the video of Nya and I arriving home.....