2 1/2 weeks home..... Happiness vs. Heartache

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since Miss Nya and I have been home. She has adjusted insanely well! The boys still love her even after 2 1/2 weeks. We'll see what happens after she's been here a few months, starts getting around, and taking their things :-). She seems to be bonded well with me and Josh. When she's scared, nervous, or just plain moody she seems to be comforted with us. She loves me wearing her in the wrap or sling. She is not enjoying when I put her down or leave the room these days. It still feels like a dream having her here. We waited almost 3 years for a baby girl to be sleeping in that crib! It's hard to believe there finally is, every night! These 2 1/2 weeks have been a mix of emotions for me. Coming back to a life I was lived without for 5 weeks was challenging for me. Coming back from having one child for 5 weeks to three children was hard. Feeling I didn't know my boys anymore was devastating. I have overcome those, but am still struggling with one. I want to specify how incredibly happy and blessed I feel to finally have our sweet baby Nya here with us. She & the process to her has brought me so much closer to my Savior than I could have ever imagined. She brings such joy to our family, but there is still a hole. I can't even explain the emotions I had this morning going thru Nya's closet and finding all the clothes I had put aside to pack for Lil J, or to see her little toddler bed tucked away in the back of the closet, to see the one toy of the pair I bought for our girls not being played with by her. I keep trying to tell myself, He has a reason why I only came home with one. I know He has a plan for our Lil J. I struggle with knowing that plan wasn't to be in our family. I keep struggling with silly things like whether I should take her picture off of our livingroom wall or not. It hurts my heart so badly to see her little face on our wall, but not in my arms.
The purpose of this post was to update everyone on how Nya is doing in her forever home (AMAZING), but also ask you all to be in prayer for me as I deal with this struggle. I'm still asking God how I can miss, love, & be so brokenhearted over a sweet little girl I never even met. I'm struggling to find my joy in Him instead of those 2 little feet I thought were suppose to be running around in my house...... so please, if you think of it, keep me in your prayers.....
Again, we are so thankful for everything you all have done for our family thru this whole process, from finacial help, shower gifts, meals while I was away, cleaning my house, and just listening when we needed people to listen, we are so grateful! Thank you!

A bit about this day....

So the day started for us at about 12:30AM. Nya would not stop screaming. Nothing was working for her. She didn't want me to hold her, she didn't want me to put her down, she wouldn't sleep in bed w/ me, she had no clue what she wanted. I noticed John was still awake so I went downstairs to ask Fiona (a girl that works for Bridge Africa, which runs the home we stay at) what she thought I should do. As soon as we hit light, I noticed the right side of her face was quite swollen so I called up our wonderful friend Bill Legere to find out his thoughts then told Fiona we needed to bring Nya somewhere to get checked. We contacted a driver & headed to a 24hr clinic. Luckily it was the clinic that Nya's baby home brings all the children to so they had a chart for her already. I told them I had given her some tylenol because she had a fever earlier so they took her right away to be tested for malaria. She tested negative for the malaria thank God, but did in fact have an ear infection. They gave her some antibiotics & told me to come back if she didn't get better. Are you ready for the cost of the visit & medicine? 9,000 shillings which is $4.00 - $4.50. I am not even kidding! So we returned back to the house at about 1:30AM. Nya finally fell asleep about 10 min. after I gave her the first dose of antibiotics & only woke up once for her bottle.
I woke up at about 7:00AM to prepare for the embassy. We had 1 more piece of paperwork that our lawyer didn't include in our "passport packet" that was needed for our embassy meeting so he told me to text him when I was on my way to the embassy so one of his workers could meet me with it. The 2 other couples & all our 5 kids loaded up in the van to head out when Nya decided it would be the best time to vomit her ENTIRE bottle she had just eaten mins. before loading up all over me. Back into the house Nya & I went. I quickly changed while John changed Nya. We finally got on the road & headed to the embassy. We got to the embassy & waited for the lawyers runner to bring me the paper. My phone rang, & surprise it was my lawyer. I asked him if someone was on their way, & he informed me that he could not find this piece of paper. This piece of paper that was the last thing I needed to go beg for an appointment today. He said he would keep looking for it & if he couldn't find it he would make a new one & let me know when it was available. I'm pretty sure my blood was boiling at this point! We went about our day which included nothing that anything of us had planned. My lawyer called me about 3hrs later to tell me he had the form & was going to send it with the couple that was with him for court that is staying at the same home I am at. I said that was fine seeing as it was way too late for the embassy to even see me at this point. He called me again about 2hrs later to inform me that he forgot to send it with the couple so he would have someone meet me Wed. morning at the embassy before my meeting. OMW! Really? So we got back to the house. Me, having no fight left in me, spoke with Josh who made the decision for us to go directly to our lawyers asap to pick it up myself.
We now have all the paperwork we need for our meeting on Wed. (I hope) Nya is feeling much better & I am at peace with the fact that God wants me here in Ug@nda for a few more days than I would like, but so looking forward to being back into my husband's arms & having my 2 little guys back into my arms.
I am loving your prayers & support & cannot wait to see everyone very soon!