September 2.....

This is the second year I've dreaded seeing September 2 come around. I've prayed on September 1 both years before bed that I could wake up to September 3 instead and totally skip over the 2nd. You see sweet girl, most Momma's look forward to her children's birthdays, being able to remember that day her sweet baby was placed in her arms. To be able to treat them special on their special day. To be able to tell them how much she loves them, loves having them in her life and how her life would not be complete without them. Your Momma struggles still knowing that when September 2 comes around, I can't do that with you in person. I feel this way about you baby girl, but I feel so empty knowing you will never be in my arms, that I will never be able to see your little face in person. I remember the day your little face come onto my computer, but I also remember that day we got the call and God said He had better plans for you. I still think about you constantly. I pray for you constantly. I think about what you could be doing during the day. I also think about what it would have been like to have you here running around with your brothers and sister, and being in my arms whenever I wanted. I still long for that day even though I know it won't ever happen. I have to stop myself when someone asks me how many kids I have. In my heart I want to say two girls. Even though it was never legal, you are still my little girl. I pray with all my heart sweet girl that someone made you feel special today. I pray with all my heart that someone picked you up, hugged you, loved on you, and told you how incredibly blessed this world is because God brought you into it. I pray with all my heart that God will allow you to feel even an ounce of the love I have for you.
Happy 4th birthday my sweet Jireh Grace! Your Momma on this side of the world loves you more than you could and will ever know!

Happy Father's Day

Josh,
I just want to thank you for the man God has made you to be. Your love for our Savior makes me strive to love and know Him more. I love the way you lead and care for our family. You love and cherish me even with all my faults. You actually enjoy spending time with me and the kids. Some men sadly don't enjoy their family. I love that when you walk thru the door after some very long days of work, I feel a weight lifted off of me because I know my helper and partner has arrived to help me thru the rest of the day instead of planting himself on the couch in front of the TV or computer. The love and passion you have for our church family astounds me. I am so thankful I have a man as the father of my children that I can honestly say, "I pray you grow up to be exactly like your father". I love you so much Josh. I am thankful God has chosen you to be the one I walk thru this life with. Your children absolutely love and adore you! Thank you for being you! Happy Father's Day! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo



Dad,
My favorite thing about you is having fun on your days off. I like when you go to the beach with me. I like when you're only here. I love you so much Dad! Love, Braden



Daddy,
I like it when you wrestle with me. I love it when you play with me. I like it when you sing me songs at night. I love you. Happy birthday and happy father's day! Love, Tanno




I love Daddy. Love, Nya


Daddy,
I can't wait to meet you! I can't wait for those countless nights I fall asleep rolled up in a ball on your chest like my big brothers did. See you in 6 months! Love, Baby Kooz #4

Welcome 12 weeks!

So when we talked about getting pregnant again, I didn't really think it would be that big of a deal. I thought it would be a piece of cake since it would be my 3rd pregnancy and 4th child. HA! What I didn't remember is the last time I was pregnant it was 5 years ago, and I had a perfectly well behaved, easy going 14 month old. This time I have a homeschooling 6 year old, an industrious, energetic, very curious 4 year old, and a needy, busy little 22 month old. Add 24hr nausea, major mood swings, and complete exhaustion to the mix and it doesn't all mix very well. Unfortunately for the hubs, my complete disgust and intolerance for the smell of coffee is in full force in this pregnancy as it was with the other two. At least we're saving money with the lack of Starbucks stops I've been making ;-) Needless to say, the 3rd time's not a charm in my case. Thankfully Josh's morning sickness subsided a few weeks ago (yes, he gets sympathy morning sickness for me). I am now 12 weeks along, and thank God that is bringing a whole lot less nausea, and I no longer gag thru my morning from the smell of coffee that was brewed hours before I woke up. I am not sure as to when the exhaustion will disappear. I'm thinking since we're adding another blessing to the mix, probably never, but that's something I can deal with I guess. I feel as though I am larger than life already. I almost want to say I'm the size now at 12 weeks that I was at 4 months for Tanner. Maybe it's just me, but I truly do feel that way so much that I was a little scared I was maybe carrying more than one. No worries! I've asked many, many times if they were sure there was really only one in there. They've assured me multiple times they only see one. The boys are now very excited. They put their little hands to my belly to see if they can feel it kick yet. I don't think it matters how many times I tell them they won't feel it for a while, they'll keep trying. Braden likes me to read every week the development of the baby and to see what it looks like each week. Tanner constantly asks me if the baby is coming out today. It might be a long 6 more months for him. :-) Nya doesn't really understand. When we tell her there's a baby in Mumma's belly, she points to her belly and says "Nya too!". One thing I've learned that doesn't get old, is hearing our peanuts heartbeat. I'm pretty sure every time we've heard it so far my eyes have filled with tears. I feel like I'm so busy that sometimes I forget that I'm actually growing a human being in me. Seeing it on the ultrasound moving around reminds me the peanut is there and makes me excited and anxious to know whether it will be wearing purple or blue (yes, we will definitely be finding out if it cooperates).
So there's a little update on BabyKooz#4 and a couple of pictures of the quickly growing baby bump at 8 weeks and 12 weeks.....

1 Year Home....

It was today that Nya and I were finally able to join the rest of our family. It was a long but very enjoyable 5 weeks in Uganda. I fell in love with the country, and if I could've chosen whether we joined our family or they joined us in Uganda, I think I would have chosen the latter. I miss the culture. I miss the friendly, loving people. I miss the friends we got to know very well and made family there. I miss the smell. I miss the red dirt. I miss that it was something of Nya's. I plain ol' miss the place.
I still remember the feeling I had the entire trip home. I felt like it wasn't real. I kept having to check to see if Nya was still with me. I was so anxious to see my boys and my husband. I had butterflies just thinking about seeing them again. When I first saw my boys, I just remember thinking how huge they were. Apparently kids (especially boys) grow quite a bit in 5 weeks. I was shocked. I guess I didn't take that into consideration. I remember hugging Josh and feeling a huge weight off of me. I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I had my helper back and I was so grateful for it. Leaving the airport and arriving home was amazing. I didn't want to leave Josh and the boys for a very long time. I was ready to jump back into "my" life, the life I had left 5 weeks ago.
Haha! I was about to have a rude awakening. The next couple of weeks were so hard for me. I felt so alone, so inadequate as a wife and mother. I felt like if I was caring for the boys' needs, I wasn't caring for Nya's, and when I was caring for Nya, I was not caring for the boys. I remember a couple of times the boys needing something and asking my sister, mother-in-law, or a friend to help instead of coming to me, their own Mom. When you're with your kids day in and day out, you're used to providing for them, so to have them go to someone else when I was sitting right next to them was a slap in the face to me. I had to keep reminding myself that those others had been caring for them for 5 weeks. They were only doing what they were used to doing at this point. I felt like I didn't know my boys anymore. I didn't know their likes and dislikes anymore. I didn't know their routine anymore. It was such a helpless and hurtful feeling for me.
Then on top of all that, I remember Nya waking up every morning and thinking to myself, "This is not the little girl I bonded with in Uganda." She wasn't who she was in her own country, in her own environment, 1 on 1 with her new Momma. I was constantly trying to prove my love to her, and still feel I have to do that to this day. That's a tiring feeling. When you have 9 months of a baby growing inside of you, then nursing them and caring for them after they are born, that bonding is a love they need and strengthens the relationship between you and the baby. I didn't have that with Nya. I felt that battle daily of feeling like no matter what I did for her or with her she wasn't seeing me as her Momma, only another "auntie" like one of the many who cared for her at the Baby Home. It took her almost this whole year to finally call me Momma. Up until about a month or so ago, I was Dadda to her. That was hard for me as well, but so rewarding now to finally hear her little voice cry out "Mumma" and know she actually means me. Even to this day our relationship is a struggle. She's still learning to trust me, and I'm still trying to gain her approval and show her I'm her Momma, I love her, and am not leaving her. I still put her to bed some nights and think, "Can I do this? Can I be the mom she needs?"
When people say "adoption is not for the faint of heart", I understand what it really means. I was naive and thought that was just until our sweet baby girl was placed into my arms. I had no idea it was going to be so hard after she got home too. The better days are far surpassing the harder days now. But as hard as it is some days, I love our Little Miss so much. She has spunk and definitely some attitude. I wouldn't give her up for the world. I look at her sometimes and wonder how it could be possible for a baby from so far away, from a totally different culture, to be made so perfectly for our family? I don't care how long it will take for me to prove to her how much I love her and that I'm not leaving her. She is my baby girl, and I will work as hard as I can til I see that love and trust in her eyes for me.....I can almost see it, and with our Savior's help, I know it will be soon. This past year has taught me a lot about myself and my weakness. I am so thankful for His strength, grace, and mercy towards me....

Below is the video of Nya and I arriving home.....

Greater Judgement....

I was excited to see this Kony2012 video go viral on Facebook last night. I kept smiling every time I saw someone else repost it. When Uganda was brought to our attention for an adoption option a couple of years back, someone told us to watch this video. We switched from the Ethiopian program to the Ugandan program shortly after watching it. I couldn't wrap my mind around someone doing that to anyone never mind children. The thing that saddens me the most is that it's taken til 2012 for people to finally hear who Joseph Kony is, for people to see what he is doing. It angers me to think that if this was done years and years ago how many children's lives would have been saved from torture, rape, and death. I am praying for the soldiers who are out there looking for him, fighting on behalf of those children. I feel helpless that I can't do more, but then remember the power of prayer. Please pray with me for this war to end, for the children's safety that are in Kony's custody right now and in the future, for the soldiers/people searching and fighting on these children's behalf, and that Kony will be found and put a stop to all he is in charge of. Bring awareness and pray.
My comfort in this situation is knowing that no matter what happens, Kony will someday stand before the Almighty Judge. The Judge he will stand before later, will bring greater judgement then anything Kony will see here on earth.....Praise God for that!

So last night was the 1st time we had a teen babysit at bedtime. Our kids are major routine kids so I knew to expect the worse for this poor girl. When we arrived home at 10PM, the poor girl was sitting with our 6 yr old in the middle of the boys' room in nite lite light while our industrious 4 yr old sat at the drums drumming in anger. After many apologies and driving this poor girl (amazing babysitter I may add) home. I went to check on the boys' in their beds only to find them peacefully asleep. I sat at our 4 yr old's bed to pray, trying to hold back the anger I had over what I could only imagine what he put our poor sitter through. As I sat watching him sleep, I couldn't put aside the fact that I love that little guy so much. He gets into things he knows he shouldn't. He does things the second after we tell him not to. He is just plain ole naughty and sinful. I hear people say to me many times, "I don't know how you do it with him.". Truthfully, I don't either, but I know no matter what he does, and no matter what he gets into, my love for him will never change. He is my child that God entrusted to me. God formed that little boy in my body for 9 months. Isn't it amazing to think that Christ feels that way towards us, yet 1,000 times stronger. When we enter into His family, there is nothing that will brake His love for us. It's easier for me to forgive my little Tan Man for the wrong he does, when I think of all the wrong I've done towards my Father, but yet He still accepts and loves me unconditionally. Parenting is so hard, but when I can look to my perfect Father, it makes it so much easier. Thankful for the example I have in Him to raise my little blessings.....