The LONG journey finally ends!

It's only taken us 3 1/2 years to get to this day....What a very long and tiring 3 1/2 years it has been. I look back on it all, and truly think only by God's grace and strength did I get thru this all and will heal from it only by Him. From agency and country changes, long waits, losing two precious sweet girls that we thought would be in our arms forever, to a long 5 weeks in Ug@nda, she's finally LEGALLY ours under heaven. She's been ours in our hearts since we saw her sweet little face on Nov. 2 last year. We've had legal guardianship of her since the judge said yes on Mar. 22 of this year in Ug@nda, but just today do we finally legally get to see her name as Nya Cicilia Jennifer COUSINEAU! What a blessing she is to our family. We so do not deserve the job to be her forever Mom and Dad, but God thought we were the only ones under heaven seen fit, and for that we will forever be thankful. This didn't all end how I would have planned it. There would have been two baby girls in our laps today, and as hard as it is for me to come to realization that that just wasn't God's plan right now, I sit in awe of my one beautiful brown skinned beauty, and am thankful that now I have the chance to teach this little girl what it's like to have a Father that no matter what you do, and no matter what you think, He knows what you need and will provide all the love, all the strength, and all the necessities she'll need to get thru this life.
I'll always wonder why He thought it would be a good idea to introduce us to our other two sweet little brown skinned beauties just to take them from us, but try to keep believing that His will is perfect. They will forever be in my heart. They will forever be in my prayers every night. When I think of "my girls" their little faces will always pop up in my head. They will always be a part of our family even though they don't live under the same roof as the rest of us. I don't know when the pain of losing them will ever get better, but for now I thank God for making us the Fab 5..... for now ;-)

My baby is 6 today!

(Labor)
6 years ago my life totally changed. Up until I got pregnant for Braden, I was dead set against growing a child in my body. I only wanted to adopt.

(Just born) I am so glad I changed my mind!










Braden's entrance into the world was not pleasant, to put it lightly, but he brought so much joy and laughter into my life.
(1 year old)










He has a heart of gold! Doing whatever he can whenever he can to help anyone. Never wanting his brother to be punished and always trying so hard to make life fair so our little world stays as peaceful as possible.
(2 years old)



He's passionate about everything he does, sometimes a little too much :-)







(3 years old)













We are hoping to fulfill his wishes soon of "Going to Uganda to help the kids with no Mommy and Daddies." and "Having lots more brothers and sisters. Some adopted and some in Mommy's belly." (We'll see about that whole "in Mommy's belly" thing....)
(4 years old)






He has more love and faith in our Savior than I could ever imagine having, and prays likes he's been a preacher for 20 years. He's our little evangelist, always asking if so & so knows Christ, and if we say we're not sure, he prays for them immediately.
(5 years old)












Braden Nathaniel Oscar Cousineau, I am so proud of the little man God is shaping you to be. I can't wait to see what He has planned for your future (Mommy's praying it goes very slowly though). You are such a blessing in my life! Daddy & Mommy love you so incredibly much! Happy 6th birthday Braden Boy!

Motherhood.....I'm not cut out for this

This past week my hubby's been MIA due to the LEAD11 conference that was put on at EABC. I came to the conclusion that I was not meant to be a stay-at-home single Momma. I'll be the first to admit, I am so not a perfect Mom. I lose my cool. I yell at times. I hide in the bathroom just to get 2 seconds alone. Last night I laid in bed and came to realize, I stink at this whole motherhood thing! Truly! I am so selfish and just plain ole sinful in every way possible. I was feeling guilty about how inadequate my mothering skills were while I was single parenting this past week. After going thru all the "I should have" 's and "I shouldn't have" 's I realized, isn't this life in general not just in parenting? I went to shut down my computer after getting home from my coffee night with my amazing RH ladies, when I saw a Twitter friends tweet. She wrote "So tired of feeling like everybody else has it together & i don't in all areas of life.. Not to mention the time to freakin blog abt it!" I don't know about all you other moms, but I feel like this so often. I stalk tons of blogs, most that make me feel this way almost every time I read their posts because all they talk about is how wonderful and joyous their life and their family is. When I start feeling the "I wish I was more like her" feelings, I have to remind myself they are not who I need to compare myself to. Even they are sinful. I'm sure even they lose their cool once in a while. I am so thankful that the only One I have to compare myself to knew that I would never compare to Him so paid the ultimate sacrifice for me so that even though I don't compare to Him, and even though I don't deserve to come before Him with my requests, to fall into His arms during hard times, to be a part of His family I can because of His sacrifice! Oh, how blessed I am to know that! He knows I stink at motherhood! But He has promised me that He will intercede on my behalf, that He will walk me thru life even motherhood. So as I struggle thru my days (yes, alot of the time it is a struggle), as I try so hard to be patient and homeschool Braden, as I try so hard to be patient and keep up with Tanner and his "Why in the world would a person do something like that" tactics, and as I try so hard to be patient and try to figure out this whole "I don't like my brother Tanner so I'm gonna take every chance I get to grunt at him, push him, and hit him" phase that Nya is going thru, I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior is standing right beside me pouring out strength to get me thru it all, and most days He gives me some reassurance so I can think to myself "See, He's helping me do some good in them!" :-)

4 years ago today this handsome bundle of energy entered our world!



(1 day old)








Due to a scheduled c-section, his entrance into this world was an easy, scheduled, & uneventful one unlike the little person he has become.









(1 year old)

He is our vibrant, energetic, industrious child.
He never fails at making a day fun, busy, & full of unexpected events. My life would not be complete without my Tan Man!
(3 years old)

(2 years old)








Happy birthday Tanner Jonathan Julio Cousineau! We love you so much!

A year ago at this very time, I had no idea what was coming. It was the day I had been waiting for for 2 1/2 years! I can remember it all (you can read about it if you click on "all") like it was yesterday. Click here to see the video that shows the excitement that was had....

This process had a lot of ups and downs, but just like pregnancy, labor, and delivery no matter how hard it was and how painful it was I still can't wait to do it all over again. To wait so long for a little someone, and to be able to finally put a little face to the one we had prayed for for so long is such a blessing! Here are the pictures that made me fall head over heals for my sweet baby girl. How far she's come! How big she's gotten! I love this sweet girl with all my heart!

1 is different this time.....

Our sweet Nya Cicilia Jennifer is one today. When we saw her little face in that first picture never did I imagine that I would be holding this precious baby girl in my arms for her birthday. I feel so blessed not to have missed this day. The kids turning one has always been important to me, but this time, with Nya, it's a bit different. Usually at this point on their day, I'm remembering back... at this time I was only having light contractions.... at this time they were strong, I was petrified, and begging for drugs ;-) I know the exact time my precious boys entered this world.... With Nya all I can do is wonder. Was she born already at this time in Ug anda? Was she born early like I feel she was? Was Bio-Momma in labor for a while? Were there complications? The questions keep spinning. I'm trying to keep myself from crying not knowing. Is Bio-Momma missing her sweet baby? Is she thinking about this day a year ago? Oh, how I wish I had all the answers. It will be even harder when Nya is old enough to wonder and ask about it and I can't tell her anything because this Momma doesn't know anything. I can tell her how thankful I am for Bio-Momma. I can tell my Nya that Bio-Momma left us the most precious little blessing that day. I will tell her that Bio-Momma could have chosen to end my sweet little Nya's life, but instead chose to bring her into this world.
Nya will always know how thankful I am to Bio-Momma. Nya will always know how much I love Bio-Momma for all she did. Even though it wasn't done in God's original plan for a Momma and her daughter, it was God's plan to bring Bio-Momma to the right place at the right time so our Nya would get to the right place to be matched and placed with our specific family. My prayer today is that if Bio-Momma is thinking about her baby girl that God will allow her to know that Nya is safe, happy, and being cared for on her special day. My prayer for the rest of Nya's years will be that she won't take Bio-Momma for granted, that she would always remember Bio-Momma decided to give her life and because of that this Momma will be able to enjoy the life Bio-Momma brought into this world.

Happy birthday Sweet Girl! Momma loves you so much it hurts sometimes..... The earliest picture of our baby girl that we have.

The picture that introduced us to our Nya. (referral picture)

Our baby girl now! What a difference love and her own family makes!

Deserving of the honor & recognition.....

Without this man my life would be so incredibly different.


I would not be as close to my Savior as I am since this man encourages my walk with Christ. I see how much he loves my Savior. His love for Him makes me want the same thing.

I would not be becoming a "Pastor's Wife". Our family will be planting a church at the beginning of 2012. The one thing I swore up & down I would never be is a "Pastor's Wife". God's funny like that :-) (God's still preparing me for this one)

These 2 would not be in the picture. I grew up telling my mother I would NEVER have biological children. Once I married this gorgeous man, there was no way I was going to deny this world more of his genes ;-)

I would never have gone on my first mission trip. This man was the only reason why I signed up to go to Ecuador in 1999. I left on that plane excited to spend 2 weeks with him, but God knew the outcome would be a total change of my heart, life, & an immense love for orphans & vulnerable children .
(This picture is not of my 1st trip in 1999, but of some of my Ecuadorian peanuts I love so much.)

That mission trip gave both this man & I a strong passion for adoption which brought these precious girls into our lives. Though only 1 is with us now, we still feel blessed to be able to care for one & praying constantly for the other.

Joshua David Cousineau, you are a godly man of God, an AMAZING husband, a loving, fun, & totally involved father, & a wonderful leader of our family. You deserve to be honored & recognized today! I am & will be forever thankful to our Father for putting us together to walk this journey of life side by side. I love you so much!

2 1/2 weeks home..... Happiness vs. Heartache

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since Miss Nya and I have been home. She has adjusted insanely well! The boys still love her even after 2 1/2 weeks. We'll see what happens after she's been here a few months, starts getting around, and taking their things :-). She seems to be bonded well with me and Josh. When she's scared, nervous, or just plain moody she seems to be comforted with us. She loves me wearing her in the wrap or sling. She is not enjoying when I put her down or leave the room these days. It still feels like a dream having her here. We waited almost 3 years for a baby girl to be sleeping in that crib! It's hard to believe there finally is, every night! These 2 1/2 weeks have been a mix of emotions for me. Coming back to a life I was lived without for 5 weeks was challenging for me. Coming back from having one child for 5 weeks to three children was hard. Feeling I didn't know my boys anymore was devastating. I have overcome those, but am still struggling with one. I want to specify how incredibly happy and blessed I feel to finally have our sweet baby Nya here with us. She & the process to her has brought me so much closer to my Savior than I could have ever imagined. She brings such joy to our family, but there is still a hole. I can't even explain the emotions I had this morning going thru Nya's closet and finding all the clothes I had put aside to pack for Lil J, or to see her little toddler bed tucked away in the back of the closet, to see the one toy of the pair I bought for our girls not being played with by her. I keep trying to tell myself, He has a reason why I only came home with one. I know He has a plan for our Lil J. I struggle with knowing that plan wasn't to be in our family. I keep struggling with silly things like whether I should take her picture off of our livingroom wall or not. It hurts my heart so badly to see her little face on our wall, but not in my arms.
The purpose of this post was to update everyone on how Nya is doing in her forever home (AMAZING), but also ask you all to be in prayer for me as I deal with this struggle. I'm still asking God how I can miss, love, & be so brokenhearted over a sweet little girl I never even met. I'm struggling to find my joy in Him instead of those 2 little feet I thought were suppose to be running around in my house...... so please, if you think of it, keep me in your prayers.....
Again, we are so thankful for everything you all have done for our family thru this whole process, from finacial help, shower gifts, meals while I was away, cleaning my house, and just listening when we needed people to listen, we are so grateful! Thank you!

A bit about this day....

So the day started for us at about 12:30AM. Nya would not stop screaming. Nothing was working for her. She didn't want me to hold her, she didn't want me to put her down, she wouldn't sleep in bed w/ me, she had no clue what she wanted. I noticed John was still awake so I went downstairs to ask Fiona (a girl that works for Bridge Africa, which runs the home we stay at) what she thought I should do. As soon as we hit light, I noticed the right side of her face was quite swollen so I called up our wonderful friend Bill Legere to find out his thoughts then told Fiona we needed to bring Nya somewhere to get checked. We contacted a driver & headed to a 24hr clinic. Luckily it was the clinic that Nya's baby home brings all the children to so they had a chart for her already. I told them I had given her some tylenol because she had a fever earlier so they took her right away to be tested for malaria. She tested negative for the malaria thank God, but did in fact have an ear infection. They gave her some antibiotics & told me to come back if she didn't get better. Are you ready for the cost of the visit & medicine? 9,000 shillings which is $4.00 - $4.50. I am not even kidding! So we returned back to the house at about 1:30AM. Nya finally fell asleep about 10 min. after I gave her the first dose of antibiotics & only woke up once for her bottle.
I woke up at about 7:00AM to prepare for the embassy. We had 1 more piece of paperwork that our lawyer didn't include in our "passport packet" that was needed for our embassy meeting so he told me to text him when I was on my way to the embassy so one of his workers could meet me with it. The 2 other couples & all our 5 kids loaded up in the van to head out when Nya decided it would be the best time to vomit her ENTIRE bottle she had just eaten mins. before loading up all over me. Back into the house Nya & I went. I quickly changed while John changed Nya. We finally got on the road & headed to the embassy. We got to the embassy & waited for the lawyers runner to bring me the paper. My phone rang, & surprise it was my lawyer. I asked him if someone was on their way, & he informed me that he could not find this piece of paper. This piece of paper that was the last thing I needed to go beg for an appointment today. He said he would keep looking for it & if he couldn't find it he would make a new one & let me know when it was available. I'm pretty sure my blood was boiling at this point! We went about our day which included nothing that anything of us had planned. My lawyer called me about 3hrs later to tell me he had the form & was going to send it with the couple that was with him for court that is staying at the same home I am at. I said that was fine seeing as it was way too late for the embassy to even see me at this point. He called me again about 2hrs later to inform me that he forgot to send it with the couple so he would have someone meet me Wed. morning at the embassy before my meeting. OMW! Really? So we got back to the house. Me, having no fight left in me, spoke with Josh who made the decision for us to go directly to our lawyers asap to pick it up myself.
We now have all the paperwork we need for our meeting on Wed. (I hope) Nya is feeling much better & I am at peace with the fact that God wants me here in Ug@nda for a few more days than I would like, but so looking forward to being back into my husband's arms & having my 2 little guys back into my arms.
I am loving your prayers & support & cannot wait to see everyone very soon!

A long awaited update....

I first want to apologize for just now giving an update on the blog over 2 weeks into the trip. I knew lots of people were having issues signing in to read it so I just figured I'd wait til I could put it public again.
Nya is adjusting surprisingly well. I seriously didn't expect her to connect & attach to me as quickly as she did. I'm sure a storm can happen at any time after this smooth calm, but for now she's doing great with her Momma :-) She likes to be with me or attached to me. When someone else is holding her, she makes sure I'm in her sight & then she can have fun with that person. I can see the progression every time we return to the baby home. All the times at the beginning we would go visit the Auntie's & she would smile & reach for them right a way. Today was a different story. She was in my Moby wrap & all the Auntie's would talk to her, but she would just look at them & then look at me & hold on really tight to my arms. You can tell it makes them a little sad. I feel sad for them! They've loved her & cared for her her whole 7 months of life, and now she either doesn't recognize them or is fearful that I will leave her with them. It just doesn't seem fair. I will forever be grateful for the love they gave her. It's because of them that it was so easy for her to love me & attach to me I feel. She knew how to love because of them.
Our ruling yesterday was interesting. We went into the court house & met a family there that had an appt at 10AM & were still waiting when we got there at 11:45. We were a little nervous the judge either wouldn't see us b/c he was behind or Josh would have to leave before we heard the ruling to get to the airport. God, pulled it all together & we were in for the ruling only about an hour later than planned. I told Josh I was going to try to hold back the sobbing if I actually heard what we've been waiting for 3 years to hear. As we sat down, we heard the judge say to our lawyer, "Well, we have a problem..." I think both Josh & my heart dropped at that moment. Come to find out his printer wasn't working so the problem was that he would have to read the ruling off his computer as opposed to reading it off paper... we'll take that problem :-) He started reading off all of Nya's case for about 5-10 minutes then came to the end to say "I see fit that the applicants, Joshua & Anna Cousineau be granted legal guardianship of this child." Yeah that's all I needed & the tears came pouring. His clerk in the office kept watching me. I'm pretty sure she just likes to watch the Mzungus cry :-)
It was hard to send Josh off. I wish he could have stayed with us, but I know how happy the boys will be to finally see him. God worked miraculously to allow Jon to come travel to be with Nya & I for the rest of the trip. We actually were debating on rather or not we would have him come, but God made that decision for us & how happy & grateful I am for it! He'll hopefully be coming on Thur. or Fri. Josh just left last night & I'm already anxious to have family with me.
We have our embassy meeting on Mon. @ 2PM so 7AM your time. Please be praying that we have all the paperwork that is needed & that it is all done correctly so we can head home the end of next week. I am so anxious to love on my boys!!!
I'll be sad to leave here. I am in absolute love with this country. The people are amazing here, so friendly, helpful, & loving. I'm pretty sure this will not be our last trip here ;-) Hoping God has a plan in the making......
Thank you so much for all your prayers, emails, comments, etc. We cannot wait to introduce all you to our sweet baby girl!!!!!

It's Time!

The time has finally come! We will be leaving for Ug@nda Sun. night to go get our sweet baby Nya! We will be arriving in Ug@anda at 11:45 PM Mon. night (Ug@nda time, 3:45PM your time). We're rushing to get things put together, finished, & completed before we go. I've been waiting for 2 1/2 yrs for this, but yet I feel as though it has rushed upon us. It's probably due to the "you need to leave in 4 days" situation.
We received an email yesterday that Lil J left with her dad in Jan. As I wanted so badly to meet her, I've also been asking God to limit the roller-coaster rider on the rest of this journey for me. I'm figuring this was His way of protecting me & getting me through that little part.
We will try to update this blog as much as possible while we're in Ug@nda. I'm not 100% sure the internet is reliable there so I can't promise anything just that we'll try.

Things to pray for:

*Safe & uneventful travels for Josh & I (in the air & we also have about a 2hr drive once we get into Ug@nda to the place we will be staying at. This will be in the middle of the night so please pray for safety for that as well)

*For the boys. They will be in good hands, but we know they will miss us & be affected by this.

*For Bammy (Barb) who will be with the boys.

*For Nya (transitions, bonding etc....)

*For our court hearing which is scheduled for Mar. 10. (I'll update on the time when we find out)

Thank you so much for all your prayers! We're going to need them!

Update

I just realized it's been a while since I've updated. We're still waiting for a court date. Our case was assigned to a judge about a week and half ago, then we received an email a few days later telling us that judge was moved out of family court so we were back to waiting for our case to be assigned to a judge yet again. With elections happening over there right now, we don't expect to hear anything this week or maybe not even next week either :-/
As far as we're concerned Lil J is still at the baby home. We were told we would be somewhat kept in the loop as things happen with her, but have heard absolutely nothing since the bad news that arrived about a month ago.
Nya is doing great. Growing slowly, but little by little. She's still 1 of the most beautiful little things that has come into my world. I can't even imagine & wait to hold her in my arms finally. I know I'll feel as though it's a dream once it actually happens. We're ready for her! I was given a baby shower a couple of weeks ago, & was blessed with everything we needed for our little Nya. Truthfully, we're ready for both our girls should God perform a miracle while we're there & get to bring them both home. I know, I'm not getting my hopes up, but definitely believe God has the power to make it happen.
So we wait...... yet again. The waiting gets harder & harder as time goes by, but through the impatience & struggles I still believe my Savior's timing is perfect & our sweet baby girl will be in our arms at the perfect time.....
A friend put it in the most perfect words in 1 of my shower cards that Nya is one of the most longed for & prayed for baby girl. She really is! It gives me so much peace knowing how many people are praying for both our girls. Thank you so much!

Can someone please wake me up......

I keep trying to wake myself up. I'm begging God to help this all be a huge nightmare that I'm going to wake up from any time now.....
I got a call today that I never imagined I would get. A man has come into the picture claiming to be Lil J's father. He is proceeding in the court to prove he is her father & that is capable of parenting her. Our little girl is being taken away from us & I can't do anything to stop it. My heart is shattered. I'm sad, angry, confused..... I don't even know what to do with myself. I keep praying that God's will will be done, but I'm so afraid His will is not mine. I know God loves my baby girl more than I can even imagine. I know He has a plan for her little life. I know He'll protect her, but that's not making this any easier on me. We are proceeding with Nya's paperwork. It will be sent to Ug.anda next week sometime so it won't be long til we go to pick our sweet baby Nya up, but I'm going to have a huge whole in my heart going into this. Oh, how I absolutely LOVE Nya & am so excited to go finally get her, but I wasn't just suppose to go get her.... She was suppose to have a sister. I was suppose to have 2 baby girls in my arms flying back to the states with me. We're keeping Lil J's case open so that if anything does happen we will continue on trying to get her home, but as of now just 1 of our 2 baby girls will be coming home with us..........
I wish God could send me an email just telling me why.........It's not fair! I don't understand all this, but I have to keep the faith that His plan is perfect. Please keep Lil J in your prayers. That God's will will be done in her little life & that He will protect her.....

I am so ready for 2011!

Usually I'm not so anxious to start a new year, but I can't control my excitement to finally see 2011 roll in! I am praying 2011 is the year God chooses to finally make me a Mommy of 4. I feel God is really starting to prepare all of us here, I'm praying He's doing the same for our munchkins in Ug@nda as well. I'm starting to get more of a peace about leaving the boys for so long. It's still hard to think about being away from them for a long period of time, but the heart numbing feeling I use to get is not as strong anymore. It's becoming overtaken by the excitement of thinking about finally having our baby girls in my arms & finalizing this journey. He's still working on the flying part I think. The thought of being up in the air for hours upon hours still makes me vomit a bit in my mouth, but that can be treated w/ LOTS of Tylenol PM on the flight I'm hoping :-). The boys are getting more & more excited to meet their little sisters. Braden talks about them quite a bit & prays for them every night. He's even requested a picture of them of his own to be put in his room so he can see them all the time :-). Tanner, I think, is starting to understand a little more what is going on. He keeps asking "When my sissies come?". I've been slipping in the fact to them that Mommy & Daddy will have to be far away for a little while to get their sisters, but that Daddy will be back before they know it, & then they can all come pick their Uncle Johnny, sisters, & Mommy up from the big airplane. Braden's just excited to see the big airplane, & Tanner tells me it's ok if I go, but Daddy needs to stay with him :-). They both say they want to come with us until I inform them on how many shots Daddy & Mommy have to get in order to go. They decide staying with Bammy & Lilly sounds a lot more fun than multiple shots :-).
This time of waiting now is harder than I imagined. Finally knowing their little faces, their names, their stories, knowing they're our little girls but not having them here with their family doesn't seem fair to me. My thoughts wander throughout the day wondering what they are doing. If Nya was held & cuddled while she was fed her bottle, or if it was just propped up on a pillow for a quick fix? If Lil J was given any special attention, or if she just played in the corner all by herself all day? The home the girls are in is extremely nice, and the "aunties" are wonderful, but it's still not the same as them being here with their forever family. I'm praying for some major peace & patience during this time of waiting.

For all of you who regularly pray for us, our girls, & our process, I do have some specifics for some upcoming events......

*Courts open back up on Jan. 7 over there. There will be 3 new people added to seeing cases like ours. (There has only been 1 in the past) Please pray that this will quicken everyone's process there, & that it will help us get to the girls faster. We were told to be prepared to travel in March. I'm not getting my hopes up, but praying fervently that this will help us get to them sooner than March.... Not holding my breath though :-/

*Pray that God will keep preparing all 6 of us for travel/transitions/bonding/etc.

*We're working on some more fundraisers. We thought we were good for the rest of the process, but that was before my stupidity & lack of being able to read :-/ I didn't read some fees right so we are now a little behind funds-wise. Please pray that we can pull the fundraisers together & that we'll be all set when it's time to travel.

I want to thank everyone for your prayers & support. We don't take for granted the community God has blessed us with during this journey. You guys have helped us get through all of this. Thank you so much!