My plan for today was the usual.... get the big kids up, fed, dressed, and off to school. Get the babies up, fed, and off to play. Do some laundry. Do the dishes. Play a little with the babies. Feed them lunch. Get them off to naps. Instead God made me stumble upon this video and this story. I don't know this woman. I've never heard of her until I came across her story scrolling through FaceBook. I haven't blogged for ages, but felt a little voice telling me to tell my story today. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's for people to see just how broken, and far from perfect I am. Maybe it's to help another momma who's struggling like I did (and still am). I have no idea, but I've learned that when the Spirit prompts you to do something, you do it.
In my 9 years of being a mother, I've learned it's just plain hard! It's not always enjoyable. It's actually painful most days. I feel society looks at it the same way, so badly that women feel compelled to kill that little being living inside of them before they can make their life hard, just like this woman in the video went through. (I'm not debating abortion. I have my feelings on it, and you have yours. In my perspective, every human being is made in His image, in or out of a woman's body. I'm done now.) I've never been to the point where I've felt mothering was so hard that I want to end my baby's life, but I do understand it's hard. Our family has been through a very rough couple of years. I could probably say these past couple of years have been the most difficult yet. Between 2 new babies, church planting, family health issues, challenging children, it's just been plain hard.....When we had our 4th baby (3rd biological), everything changed. I felt like a totally different person. I remember telling myself just to get through the day until my husband could get home. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone around me. I remember booking it up to my bedroom with the baby the second my husband walked through the door. Now don't get me wrong, I am head-over-heels in love with my husband, and I love my children (more than I should sometimes), but at this point in my life, I just wanted it to be me and the baby. I hated going to bed at night, knowing I had to wake up to real life again. This went on for quite a while so long it just became normal to me. I was so broken. I couldn't stand people, including my children and my husband, but I felt so guilty about it, I kept it to myself. Fast forward to about 10 months later. Our 10 month old was finally sleeping 2-3 hour intervals at night. He wasn't constantly nursing all day long. Life was getting tolerable. I mentioned to my husband I was done with having more kids. Done with the newborn stage. The baby had been so draining and challenging, I didn't ever want to do it again. About a month later our fostering story began. I won't go into details. Baby girl's story will be hers to tell one day if she'd like, but needless to say a whirlwind began..... again. She was born about a month earlier than expected. My husband and I were heading to the hospital to meet her for the first time. As I sat in the car outside of Dunkin Donuts across from the hospital waiting for my husband to grab coffees for bio-mom and dad, my phone rang. I picked it up to hear my sister's voice on the other line. I have 2 sisters. We are all very, very close so I could tell by her voice that something was wrong. The words that came out of her mouth are probably the most heartwrenching, dreaded words that can come out of a human being's mouth. "Mom has cancer." I don't even remember what I said to my sister. When people say time stands still, it actually does. I felt like the world around me completely stopped. I just remember hanging up the phone and being so incredibly angry at God. I kept telling myself, "God, I'm suppose to go into this hospital to meet this new baby, to show Your love to this bio-mom and dad, and all I want to do is curse You right now!"
Life went on. I now had an 8, 6, 3, and 1 year old, and now a newborn at home. I had to be updated on my mom, her treatments, and her conditions from my sisters. I remember on days she had her chemo treatments being so resentful towards my kids. I kept telling myself it was because of them that I couldn't be with my mom during the hardest thing she's had to go through. I still to this day struggle with my guilt from not being there for her through that time. I felt so incredibly alone. I remember waking up in the morning and feeling like I was watching my life happen from the outside. I remember just trying to get through my days, and then going to bed at night thinking my children would be less screwed up and more cared for if I was no longer here. I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life. I was believing the lie that was being said to me over and over again that "You ARE in fact a failure. You're a horrible mother. You're a horrible wife. You're a horrible daughter......" I had forgotten who I truly was. It got to the point where my husband made me go see my doctor. I knew driving there what she was going to tell me. That I was depressed and needed to go on meds. I was angry at myself when the doctor in fact did tell me that. I went home that day feeling like a failure as His child too, along with all the rest of the things I felt I was a failure at. Why couldn't I allow Him to get me through this? Why didn't I trust Him enough?
Ladies, we are His! We are His daughters! He has picked us! He loves us! We are beautiful and perfect in His eyes.....always! Not just some days, but ALL.THE.TIME! We are still beautiful to Him when we yell at our children, when we fail to submit to our husbands, when we burn dinner or better yet forget to plan dinner. He sees us as His perfect daughters when we have dishes stacked so high in the sink we can't fill our kids' cups up with water, when you are so behind in laundry you have to dig through to find the cleanest pants and shirt in the hamper for your kid to wear to school. We as moms have to be so many things to so many people. Our life is not our own, but as a believer, our life is not our own to begin with. God has called us to an incredible calling. These little minions running around us learn through us. We cannot write their salvation. We will not write their stories, but we will be a big part of it. Through us they will learn love. Through us they will see we love because we are loved. And when we forget why we're doing what we're doing, God reminds us through those beautiful, little minions why He entrusted them to us. Some of the most beautiful times with my little blessings were after some of my most nasty, sinful days. From a little voice saying "Mumma, I love you so much! You're the best Mumma ever!" to having my anxious, little guy come home from counseling with a paper he wrote out "Things that help me when I'm nervous" and "Knowing my mom is always there for me" at the top of the list. God uses my children to let me know just how merciful and loving He really is. Even though things have gotten easier for me, I don't think the circumstances have changed, I strongly believe that things are better because I'm remembering the truth He's told me and the promises He's made to me. I am constantly chanting to myself throughout the day that I am His. He will not fail me. My children will fail me. My husband will fail me, but He never will. I am His! (some days this chant is said very loudly and many, many times :-)
Mommas don't forget who you are. You are a beautiful, perfect daughter of the most high King. As moms, what do we do to our kids when they fall? We run to them, find out if they're ok, wipe them off, fix their boo-boo, kiss them and hug them, and then send them off to try again. Our perfect Father does that for us every time we fail, and He's promised to do that daily for us. You are not doing this alone. Whether you're a single mom, working mom, a mom with a loving, involved husband, a mom with a non-existing, non-helpful husband, God has promised to be with you and never leave your side (Joshua 1:9). And when you fail (yes, i said when, because we all will fail, many, many times a day) read Lamentations 3: 21-24. Never lose sight of who you are. It's in those times the enemy slips in and whispers those little lies to you....
I encourage you as a fellow mom, find another momma you can confide in. Be completely open with them. Ask them for help when needed. Ask them for prayer. Let them listen when you just need to pour your ugly heart out. Be a fellow momma that will listen, non judgmentally ladies. If you have no one, contact me. I would love to pray with and for you. I would love to listen to your struggles and hurts. We're in this together.......
