Mommas, remember who you are....

My plan for today was the usual.... get the big kids up, fed, dressed, and off to school. Get the babies up, fed, and off to play. Do some laundry. Do the dishes. Play a little with the babies. Feed them lunch. Get them off to naps. Instead God made me stumble upon this video and this story. I don't know this woman. I've never heard of her until I came across her story scrolling through FaceBook. I haven't blogged for ages, but felt a little voice telling me to tell my story today. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's for people to see just how broken, and far from perfect I am. Maybe it's to help another momma who's struggling like I did (and still am). I have no idea, but I've learned that when the Spirit prompts you to do something, you do it.
In my 9 years of being a mother, I've learned it's just plain hard! It's not always enjoyable. It's actually painful most days. I feel society looks at it the same way, so badly that women feel compelled to kill that little being living inside of them before they can make their life hard, just like this woman in the video went through. (I'm not debating abortion. I have my feelings on it, and you have yours. In my perspective, every human being is made in His image, in or out of a woman's body. I'm done now.) I've never been to the point where I've felt mothering was so hard that I want to end my baby's life, but I do understand it's hard. Our family has been through a very rough couple of years. I could probably say these past couple of years have been the most difficult yet. Between 2 new babies, church planting, family health issues, challenging children, it's just been plain hard.....When we had our 4th baby (3rd biological), everything changed. I felt like a totally different person. I remember telling myself just to get through the day until my husband could get home. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone around me. I remember booking it up to my bedroom with the baby the second my husband walked through the door. Now don't get me wrong, I am head-over-heels in love with my husband, and I love my children (more than I should sometimes), but at this point in my life, I just wanted it to be me and the baby. I hated going to bed at night, knowing I had to wake up to real life again. This went on for quite a while so long it just became normal to me. I was so broken. I couldn't stand people, including my children and my husband, but I felt so guilty about it, I kept it to myself. Fast forward to about 10 months later. Our 10 month old was finally sleeping 2-3 hour intervals at night. He wasn't constantly nursing all day long. Life was getting tolerable. I mentioned to my husband I was done with having more kids. Done with the newborn stage. The baby had been so draining and challenging, I didn't ever want to do it again. About a month later our fostering story began. I won't go into details. Baby girl's story will be hers to tell one day if she'd like, but needless to say a whirlwind began..... again. She was born about a month earlier than expected. My husband and I were heading to the hospital to meet her for the first time. As I sat in the car outside of Dunkin Donuts across from the hospital waiting for my husband to grab coffees for bio-mom and dad, my phone rang. I picked it up to hear my sister's voice on the other line. I have 2 sisters. We are all very, very close so I could tell by her voice that something was wrong. The words that came out of her mouth are probably the most heartwrenching, dreaded words that can come out of a human being's mouth. "Mom has cancer." I don't even remember what I said to my sister. When people say time stands still, it actually does. I felt like the world around me completely stopped. I just remember hanging up the phone and being so incredibly angry at God. I kept telling myself, "God, I'm suppose to go into this hospital to meet this new baby, to show Your love to this bio-mom and dad, and all I want to do is curse You right now!"
Life went on. I now had an 8, 6, 3, and 1 year old, and now a newborn at home. I had to be updated on my mom, her treatments, and her conditions from my sisters. I remember on days she had her chemo treatments being so resentful towards my kids. I kept telling myself it was because of them that I couldn't be with my mom during the hardest thing she's had to go through. I still to this day struggle with my guilt from not being there for her through that time. I felt so incredibly alone. I remember waking up in the morning and feeling like I was watching my life happen from the outside. I remember just trying to get through my days, and then going to bed at night thinking my children would be less screwed up and more cared for if I was no longer here. I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life. I was believing the lie that was being said to me over and over again that "You ARE in fact a failure. You're a horrible mother. You're a horrible wife. You're a horrible daughter......" I had forgotten who I truly was. It got to the point where my husband made me go see my doctor. I knew driving there what she was going to tell me. That I was depressed and needed to go on meds. I was angry at myself when the doctor in fact did tell me that. I went home that day feeling like a failure as His child too, along with all the rest of the things I felt I was a failure at. Why couldn't I allow Him to get me through this? Why didn't I trust Him enough?
Ladies, we are His! We are His daughters! He has picked us! He loves us! We are beautiful and perfect in His eyes.....always! Not just some days, but ALL.THE.TIME! We are still beautiful to Him when we yell at our children, when we fail to submit to our husbands, when we burn dinner or better yet forget to plan dinner. He sees us as His perfect daughters when we have dishes stacked so high in the sink we can't fill our kids' cups up with water, when you are so behind in laundry you have to dig through to find the cleanest pants and shirt in the hamper for your kid to wear to school. We as moms have to be so many things to so many people. Our life is not our own, but as a believer, our life is not our own to begin with. God has called us to an incredible calling. These little minions running around us learn through us. We cannot write their salvation. We will not write their stories, but we will be a big part of it. Through us they will learn love. Through us they will see we love because we are loved. And when we forget why we're doing what we're doing, God reminds us through those beautiful, little minions why He entrusted them to us. Some of the most beautiful times with my little blessings were after some of my most nasty, sinful days. From a little voice saying "Mumma, I love you so much! You're the best Mumma ever!" to having my anxious, little guy come home from counseling with a paper he wrote out "Things that help me when I'm nervous" and "Knowing my mom is always there for me" at the top of the list. God uses my children to let me know just how merciful and loving He really is. Even though things have gotten easier for me, I don't think the circumstances have changed, I strongly believe that things are better because I'm remembering the truth He's told me and the promises He's made to me. I am constantly chanting to myself throughout the day that I am His. He will not fail me. My children will fail me. My husband will fail me, but He never will. I am His! (some days this chant is said very loudly and many, many times :-)
Mommas don't forget who you are. You are a beautiful, perfect daughter of the most high King. As moms, what do we do to our kids when they fall? We run to them, find out if they're ok, wipe them off, fix their boo-boo, kiss them and hug them, and then send them off to try again. Our perfect Father does that for us every time we fail, and He's promised to do that daily for us. You are not doing this alone. Whether you're a single mom, working mom, a mom with a loving, involved husband, a mom with a non-existing, non-helpful husband, God has promised to be with you and never leave your side (Joshua 1:9). And when you fail (yes, i said when, because we all will fail, many, many times a day) read Lamentations 3: 21-24. Never lose sight of who you are. It's in those times the enemy slips in and whispers those little lies to you....
I encourage you as a fellow mom, find another momma you can confide in. Be completely open with them. Ask them for help when needed. Ask them for prayer. Let them listen when you just need to pour your ugly heart out. Be a fellow momma that will listen, non judgmentally ladies. If you have no one, contact me. I would love to pray with and for you. I would love to listen to your struggles and hurts. We're in this together.......

6 Months Old!

Look who's 6 months old today! Whaaaa? Already? How in the world did this happen so quickly? Crazy!

A little about me at 6 months old:

*I eat baby cereal occasionally, but still only crazy about Mommy's milk.
*I still don't have any teeth, but my slobber & constant gnawing on things are letting people know there may be some teeth popping up very soon.  
*I love watching my brothers & sister play.
*I can scope out my brother Tanner in a crowd of kids & focus mainly on him. I find him quite interesting & extremely funny. Mommy says this scares her a little. I'm not quite sure why? Tanner's very entertaining....
*I'm very energetic! I love to move! If I'm not moving the way I want, I will surely let you know.
*I enjoy Mommy & me time, all night long. I figure I can have her full attention then since everyone else is sleeping :-)
*I'm starting to enjoy others, as long as Mommy is still in my sight.
*I love to be outside! Mommy says she's actually excited for this summer.....something about finally having a beach baby?
*I can only roll from my belly to my back. This may be my fault since I hate belly time, & hate whenever Mommy puts me down.
*I'm the 1st anti-social Cousineau baby. If I'm not with Mommy in a big crowd, I easily freak out & am not easily calm-down-able..... I'll smile & laugh at you from afar, but I very much dislike people in my face! Personal space, people! Personal space!  
*My favorite place to be is on Mommy. When she gets my MobyWrap out & starts wrapping it around her, I know exactly what it is for & wave my arms like crazy because I'm so excited to get in there!
*I'm the biggest Momma boy you will ever meet! No, seriously.... I really am! 
*Mommy's planning on doing updates like these because she says with 4 kids the odds of her being able to scrapbook ever again are very low so this will help her remember....

September 2.....

This is the second year I've dreaded seeing September 2 come around. I've prayed on September 1 both years before bed that I could wake up to September 3 instead and totally skip over the 2nd. You see sweet girl, most Momma's look forward to her children's birthdays, being able to remember that day her sweet baby was placed in her arms. To be able to treat them special on their special day. To be able to tell them how much she loves them, loves having them in her life and how her life would not be complete without them. Your Momma struggles still knowing that when September 2 comes around, I can't do that with you in person. I feel this way about you baby girl, but I feel so empty knowing you will never be in my arms, that I will never be able to see your little face in person. I remember the day your little face come onto my computer, but I also remember that day we got the call and God said He had better plans for you. I still think about you constantly. I pray for you constantly. I think about what you could be doing during the day. I also think about what it would have been like to have you here running around with your brothers and sister, and being in my arms whenever I wanted. I still long for that day even though I know it won't ever happen. I have to stop myself when someone asks me how many kids I have. In my heart I want to say two girls. Even though it was never legal, you are still my little girl. I pray with all my heart sweet girl that someone made you feel special today. I pray with all my heart that someone picked you up, hugged you, loved on you, and told you how incredibly blessed this world is because God brought you into it. I pray with all my heart that God will allow you to feel even an ounce of the love I have for you.
Happy 4th birthday my sweet Jireh Grace! Your Momma on this side of the world loves you more than you could and will ever know!

Happy Father's Day

Josh,
I just want to thank you for the man God has made you to be. Your love for our Savior makes me strive to love and know Him more. I love the way you lead and care for our family. You love and cherish me even with all my faults. You actually enjoy spending time with me and the kids. Some men sadly don't enjoy their family. I love that when you walk thru the door after some very long days of work, I feel a weight lifted off of me because I know my helper and partner has arrived to help me thru the rest of the day instead of planting himself on the couch in front of the TV or computer. The love and passion you have for our church family astounds me. I am so thankful I have a man as the father of my children that I can honestly say, "I pray you grow up to be exactly like your father". I love you so much Josh. I am thankful God has chosen you to be the one I walk thru this life with. Your children absolutely love and adore you! Thank you for being you! Happy Father's Day! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo



Dad,
My favorite thing about you is having fun on your days off. I like when you go to the beach with me. I like when you're only here. I love you so much Dad! Love, Braden



Daddy,
I like it when you wrestle with me. I love it when you play with me. I like it when you sing me songs at night. I love you. Happy birthday and happy father's day! Love, Tanno




I love Daddy. Love, Nya


Daddy,
I can't wait to meet you! I can't wait for those countless nights I fall asleep rolled up in a ball on your chest like my big brothers did. See you in 6 months! Love, Baby Kooz #4

Welcome 12 weeks!

So when we talked about getting pregnant again, I didn't really think it would be that big of a deal. I thought it would be a piece of cake since it would be my 3rd pregnancy and 4th child. HA! What I didn't remember is the last time I was pregnant it was 5 years ago, and I had a perfectly well behaved, easy going 14 month old. This time I have a homeschooling 6 year old, an industrious, energetic, very curious 4 year old, and a needy, busy little 22 month old. Add 24hr nausea, major mood swings, and complete exhaustion to the mix and it doesn't all mix very well. Unfortunately for the hubs, my complete disgust and intolerance for the smell of coffee is in full force in this pregnancy as it was with the other two. At least we're saving money with the lack of Starbucks stops I've been making ;-) Needless to say, the 3rd time's not a charm in my case. Thankfully Josh's morning sickness subsided a few weeks ago (yes, he gets sympathy morning sickness for me). I am now 12 weeks along, and thank God that is bringing a whole lot less nausea, and I no longer gag thru my morning from the smell of coffee that was brewed hours before I woke up. I am not sure as to when the exhaustion will disappear. I'm thinking since we're adding another blessing to the mix, probably never, but that's something I can deal with I guess. I feel as though I am larger than life already. I almost want to say I'm the size now at 12 weeks that I was at 4 months for Tanner. Maybe it's just me, but I truly do feel that way so much that I was a little scared I was maybe carrying more than one. No worries! I've asked many, many times if they were sure there was really only one in there. They've assured me multiple times they only see one. The boys are now very excited. They put their little hands to my belly to see if they can feel it kick yet. I don't think it matters how many times I tell them they won't feel it for a while, they'll keep trying. Braden likes me to read every week the development of the baby and to see what it looks like each week. Tanner constantly asks me if the baby is coming out today. It might be a long 6 more months for him. :-) Nya doesn't really understand. When we tell her there's a baby in Mumma's belly, she points to her belly and says "Nya too!". One thing I've learned that doesn't get old, is hearing our peanuts heartbeat. I'm pretty sure every time we've heard it so far my eyes have filled with tears. I feel like I'm so busy that sometimes I forget that I'm actually growing a human being in me. Seeing it on the ultrasound moving around reminds me the peanut is there and makes me excited and anxious to know whether it will be wearing purple or blue (yes, we will definitely be finding out if it cooperates).
So there's a little update on BabyKooz#4 and a couple of pictures of the quickly growing baby bump at 8 weeks and 12 weeks.....

1 Year Home....

It was today that Nya and I were finally able to join the rest of our family. It was a long but very enjoyable 5 weeks in Uganda. I fell in love with the country, and if I could've chosen whether we joined our family or they joined us in Uganda, I think I would have chosen the latter. I miss the culture. I miss the friendly, loving people. I miss the friends we got to know very well and made family there. I miss the smell. I miss the red dirt. I miss that it was something of Nya's. I plain ol' miss the place.
I still remember the feeling I had the entire trip home. I felt like it wasn't real. I kept having to check to see if Nya was still with me. I was so anxious to see my boys and my husband. I had butterflies just thinking about seeing them again. When I first saw my boys, I just remember thinking how huge they were. Apparently kids (especially boys) grow quite a bit in 5 weeks. I was shocked. I guess I didn't take that into consideration. I remember hugging Josh and feeling a huge weight off of me. I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I had my helper back and I was so grateful for it. Leaving the airport and arriving home was amazing. I didn't want to leave Josh and the boys for a very long time. I was ready to jump back into "my" life, the life I had left 5 weeks ago.
Haha! I was about to have a rude awakening. The next couple of weeks were so hard for me. I felt so alone, so inadequate as a wife and mother. I felt like if I was caring for the boys' needs, I wasn't caring for Nya's, and when I was caring for Nya, I was not caring for the boys. I remember a couple of times the boys needing something and asking my sister, mother-in-law, or a friend to help instead of coming to me, their own Mom. When you're with your kids day in and day out, you're used to providing for them, so to have them go to someone else when I was sitting right next to them was a slap in the face to me. I had to keep reminding myself that those others had been caring for them for 5 weeks. They were only doing what they were used to doing at this point. I felt like I didn't know my boys anymore. I didn't know their likes and dislikes anymore. I didn't know their routine anymore. It was such a helpless and hurtful feeling for me.
Then on top of all that, I remember Nya waking up every morning and thinking to myself, "This is not the little girl I bonded with in Uganda." She wasn't who she was in her own country, in her own environment, 1 on 1 with her new Momma. I was constantly trying to prove my love to her, and still feel I have to do that to this day. That's a tiring feeling. When you have 9 months of a baby growing inside of you, then nursing them and caring for them after they are born, that bonding is a love they need and strengthens the relationship between you and the baby. I didn't have that with Nya. I felt that battle daily of feeling like no matter what I did for her or with her she wasn't seeing me as her Momma, only another "auntie" like one of the many who cared for her at the Baby Home. It took her almost this whole year to finally call me Momma. Up until about a month or so ago, I was Dadda to her. That was hard for me as well, but so rewarding now to finally hear her little voice cry out "Mumma" and know she actually means me. Even to this day our relationship is a struggle. She's still learning to trust me, and I'm still trying to gain her approval and show her I'm her Momma, I love her, and am not leaving her. I still put her to bed some nights and think, "Can I do this? Can I be the mom she needs?"
When people say "adoption is not for the faint of heart", I understand what it really means. I was naive and thought that was just until our sweet baby girl was placed into my arms. I had no idea it was going to be so hard after she got home too. The better days are far surpassing the harder days now. But as hard as it is some days, I love our Little Miss so much. She has spunk and definitely some attitude. I wouldn't give her up for the world. I look at her sometimes and wonder how it could be possible for a baby from so far away, from a totally different culture, to be made so perfectly for our family? I don't care how long it will take for me to prove to her how much I love her and that I'm not leaving her. She is my baby girl, and I will work as hard as I can til I see that love and trust in her eyes for me.....I can almost see it, and with our Savior's help, I know it will be soon. This past year has taught me a lot about myself and my weakness. I am so thankful for His strength, grace, and mercy towards me....

Below is the video of Nya and I arriving home.....

Greater Judgement....

I was excited to see this Kony2012 video go viral on Facebook last night. I kept smiling every time I saw someone else repost it. When Uganda was brought to our attention for an adoption option a couple of years back, someone told us to watch this video. We switched from the Ethiopian program to the Ugandan program shortly after watching it. I couldn't wrap my mind around someone doing that to anyone never mind children. The thing that saddens me the most is that it's taken til 2012 for people to finally hear who Joseph Kony is, for people to see what he is doing. It angers me to think that if this was done years and years ago how many children's lives would have been saved from torture, rape, and death. I am praying for the soldiers who are out there looking for him, fighting on behalf of those children. I feel helpless that I can't do more, but then remember the power of prayer. Please pray with me for this war to end, for the children's safety that are in Kony's custody right now and in the future, for the soldiers/people searching and fighting on these children's behalf, and that Kony will be found and put a stop to all he is in charge of. Bring awareness and pray.
My comfort in this situation is knowing that no matter what happens, Kony will someday stand before the Almighty Judge. The Judge he will stand before later, will bring greater judgement then anything Kony will see here on earth.....Praise God for that!

So last night was the 1st time we had a teen babysit at bedtime. Our kids are major routine kids so I knew to expect the worse for this poor girl. When we arrived home at 10PM, the poor girl was sitting with our 6 yr old in the middle of the boys' room in nite lite light while our industrious 4 yr old sat at the drums drumming in anger. After many apologies and driving this poor girl (amazing babysitter I may add) home. I went to check on the boys' in their beds only to find them peacefully asleep. I sat at our 4 yr old's bed to pray, trying to hold back the anger I had over what I could only imagine what he put our poor sitter through. As I sat watching him sleep, I couldn't put aside the fact that I love that little guy so much. He gets into things he knows he shouldn't. He does things the second after we tell him not to. He is just plain ole naughty and sinful. I hear people say to me many times, "I don't know how you do it with him.". Truthfully, I don't either, but I know no matter what he does, and no matter what he gets into, my love for him will never change. He is my child that God entrusted to me. God formed that little boy in my body for 9 months. Isn't it amazing to think that Christ feels that way towards us, yet 1,000 times stronger. When we enter into His family, there is nothing that will brake His love for us. It's easier for me to forgive my little Tan Man for the wrong he does, when I think of all the wrong I've done towards my Father, but yet He still accepts and loves me unconditionally. Parenting is so hard, but when I can look to my perfect Father, it makes it so much easier. Thankful for the example I have in Him to raise my little blessings.....

The LONG journey finally ends!

It's only taken us 3 1/2 years to get to this day....What a very long and tiring 3 1/2 years it has been. I look back on it all, and truly think only by God's grace and strength did I get thru this all and will heal from it only by Him. From agency and country changes, long waits, losing two precious sweet girls that we thought would be in our arms forever, to a long 5 weeks in Ug@nda, she's finally LEGALLY ours under heaven. She's been ours in our hearts since we saw her sweet little face on Nov. 2 last year. We've had legal guardianship of her since the judge said yes on Mar. 22 of this year in Ug@nda, but just today do we finally legally get to see her name as Nya Cicilia Jennifer COUSINEAU! What a blessing she is to our family. We so do not deserve the job to be her forever Mom and Dad, but God thought we were the only ones under heaven seen fit, and for that we will forever be thankful. This didn't all end how I would have planned it. There would have been two baby girls in our laps today, and as hard as it is for me to come to realization that that just wasn't God's plan right now, I sit in awe of my one beautiful brown skinned beauty, and am thankful that now I have the chance to teach this little girl what it's like to have a Father that no matter what you do, and no matter what you think, He knows what you need and will provide all the love, all the strength, and all the necessities she'll need to get thru this life.
I'll always wonder why He thought it would be a good idea to introduce us to our other two sweet little brown skinned beauties just to take them from us, but try to keep believing that His will is perfect. They will forever be in my heart. They will forever be in my prayers every night. When I think of "my girls" their little faces will always pop up in my head. They will always be a part of our family even though they don't live under the same roof as the rest of us. I don't know when the pain of losing them will ever get better, but for now I thank God for making us the Fab 5..... for now ;-)

My baby is 6 today!

(Labor)
6 years ago my life totally changed. Up until I got pregnant for Braden, I was dead set against growing a child in my body. I only wanted to adopt.

(Just born) I am so glad I changed my mind!










Braden's entrance into the world was not pleasant, to put it lightly, but he brought so much joy and laughter into my life.
(1 year old)










He has a heart of gold! Doing whatever he can whenever he can to help anyone. Never wanting his brother to be punished and always trying so hard to make life fair so our little world stays as peaceful as possible.
(2 years old)



He's passionate about everything he does, sometimes a little too much :-)







(3 years old)













We are hoping to fulfill his wishes soon of "Going to Uganda to help the kids with no Mommy and Daddies." and "Having lots more brothers and sisters. Some adopted and some in Mommy's belly." (We'll see about that whole "in Mommy's belly" thing....)
(4 years old)






He has more love and faith in our Savior than I could ever imagine having, and prays likes he's been a preacher for 20 years. He's our little evangelist, always asking if so & so knows Christ, and if we say we're not sure, he prays for them immediately.
(5 years old)












Braden Nathaniel Oscar Cousineau, I am so proud of the little man God is shaping you to be. I can't wait to see what He has planned for your future (Mommy's praying it goes very slowly though). You are such a blessing in my life! Daddy & Mommy love you so incredibly much! Happy 6th birthday Braden Boy!

Motherhood.....I'm not cut out for this

This past week my hubby's been MIA due to the LEAD11 conference that was put on at EABC. I came to the conclusion that I was not meant to be a stay-at-home single Momma. I'll be the first to admit, I am so not a perfect Mom. I lose my cool. I yell at times. I hide in the bathroom just to get 2 seconds alone. Last night I laid in bed and came to realize, I stink at this whole motherhood thing! Truly! I am so selfish and just plain ole sinful in every way possible. I was feeling guilty about how inadequate my mothering skills were while I was single parenting this past week. After going thru all the "I should have" 's and "I shouldn't have" 's I realized, isn't this life in general not just in parenting? I went to shut down my computer after getting home from my coffee night with my amazing RH ladies, when I saw a Twitter friends tweet. She wrote "So tired of feeling like everybody else has it together & i don't in all areas of life.. Not to mention the time to freakin blog abt it!" I don't know about all you other moms, but I feel like this so often. I stalk tons of blogs, most that make me feel this way almost every time I read their posts because all they talk about is how wonderful and joyous their life and their family is. When I start feeling the "I wish I was more like her" feelings, I have to remind myself they are not who I need to compare myself to. Even they are sinful. I'm sure even they lose their cool once in a while. I am so thankful that the only One I have to compare myself to knew that I would never compare to Him so paid the ultimate sacrifice for me so that even though I don't compare to Him, and even though I don't deserve to come before Him with my requests, to fall into His arms during hard times, to be a part of His family I can because of His sacrifice! Oh, how blessed I am to know that! He knows I stink at motherhood! But He has promised me that He will intercede on my behalf, that He will walk me thru life even motherhood. So as I struggle thru my days (yes, alot of the time it is a struggle), as I try so hard to be patient and homeschool Braden, as I try so hard to be patient and keep up with Tanner and his "Why in the world would a person do something like that" tactics, and as I try so hard to be patient and try to figure out this whole "I don't like my brother Tanner so I'm gonna take every chance I get to grunt at him, push him, and hit him" phase that Nya is going thru, I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Savior is standing right beside me pouring out strength to get me thru it all, and most days He gives me some reassurance so I can think to myself "See, He's helping me do some good in them!" :-)

4 years ago today this handsome bundle of energy entered our world!



(1 day old)








Due to a scheduled c-section, his entrance into this world was an easy, scheduled, & uneventful one unlike the little person he has become.









(1 year old)

He is our vibrant, energetic, industrious child.
He never fails at making a day fun, busy, & full of unexpected events. My life would not be complete without my Tan Man!
(3 years old)

(2 years old)








Happy birthday Tanner Jonathan Julio Cousineau! We love you so much!

A year ago at this very time, I had no idea what was coming. It was the day I had been waiting for for 2 1/2 years! I can remember it all (you can read about it if you click on "all") like it was yesterday. Click here to see the video that shows the excitement that was had....

This process had a lot of ups and downs, but just like pregnancy, labor, and delivery no matter how hard it was and how painful it was I still can't wait to do it all over again. To wait so long for a little someone, and to be able to finally put a little face to the one we had prayed for for so long is such a blessing! Here are the pictures that made me fall head over heals for my sweet baby girl. How far she's come! How big she's gotten! I love this sweet girl with all my heart!

1 is different this time.....

Our sweet Nya Cicilia Jennifer is one today. When we saw her little face in that first picture never did I imagine that I would be holding this precious baby girl in my arms for her birthday. I feel so blessed not to have missed this day. The kids turning one has always been important to me, but this time, with Nya, it's a bit different. Usually at this point on their day, I'm remembering back... at this time I was only having light contractions.... at this time they were strong, I was petrified, and begging for drugs ;-) I know the exact time my precious boys entered this world.... With Nya all I can do is wonder. Was she born already at this time in Ug anda? Was she born early like I feel she was? Was Bio-Momma in labor for a while? Were there complications? The questions keep spinning. I'm trying to keep myself from crying not knowing. Is Bio-Momma missing her sweet baby? Is she thinking about this day a year ago? Oh, how I wish I had all the answers. It will be even harder when Nya is old enough to wonder and ask about it and I can't tell her anything because this Momma doesn't know anything. I can tell her how thankful I am for Bio-Momma. I can tell my Nya that Bio-Momma left us the most precious little blessing that day. I will tell her that Bio-Momma could have chosen to end my sweet little Nya's life, but instead chose to bring her into this world.
Nya will always know how thankful I am to Bio-Momma. Nya will always know how much I love Bio-Momma for all she did. Even though it wasn't done in God's original plan for a Momma and her daughter, it was God's plan to bring Bio-Momma to the right place at the right time so our Nya would get to the right place to be matched and placed with our specific family. My prayer today is that if Bio-Momma is thinking about her baby girl that God will allow her to know that Nya is safe, happy, and being cared for on her special day. My prayer for the rest of Nya's years will be that she won't take Bio-Momma for granted, that she would always remember Bio-Momma decided to give her life and because of that this Momma will be able to enjoy the life Bio-Momma brought into this world.

Happy birthday Sweet Girl! Momma loves you so much it hurts sometimes..... The earliest picture of our baby girl that we have.

The picture that introduced us to our Nya. (referral picture)

Our baby girl now! What a difference love and her own family makes!

Deserving of the honor & recognition.....

Without this man my life would be so incredibly different.


I would not be as close to my Savior as I am since this man encourages my walk with Christ. I see how much he loves my Savior. His love for Him makes me want the same thing.

I would not be becoming a "Pastor's Wife". Our family will be planting a church at the beginning of 2012. The one thing I swore up & down I would never be is a "Pastor's Wife". God's funny like that :-) (God's still preparing me for this one)

These 2 would not be in the picture. I grew up telling my mother I would NEVER have biological children. Once I married this gorgeous man, there was no way I was going to deny this world more of his genes ;-)

I would never have gone on my first mission trip. This man was the only reason why I signed up to go to Ecuador in 1999. I left on that plane excited to spend 2 weeks with him, but God knew the outcome would be a total change of my heart, life, & an immense love for orphans & vulnerable children .
(This picture is not of my 1st trip in 1999, but of some of my Ecuadorian peanuts I love so much.)

That mission trip gave both this man & I a strong passion for adoption which brought these precious girls into our lives. Though only 1 is with us now, we still feel blessed to be able to care for one & praying constantly for the other.

Joshua David Cousineau, you are a godly man of God, an AMAZING husband, a loving, fun, & totally involved father, & a wonderful leader of our family. You deserve to be honored & recognized today! I am & will be forever thankful to our Father for putting us together to walk this journey of life side by side. I love you so much!

2 1/2 weeks home..... Happiness vs. Heartache

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since Miss Nya and I have been home. She has adjusted insanely well! The boys still love her even after 2 1/2 weeks. We'll see what happens after she's been here a few months, starts getting around, and taking their things :-). She seems to be bonded well with me and Josh. When she's scared, nervous, or just plain moody she seems to be comforted with us. She loves me wearing her in the wrap or sling. She is not enjoying when I put her down or leave the room these days. It still feels like a dream having her here. We waited almost 3 years for a baby girl to be sleeping in that crib! It's hard to believe there finally is, every night! These 2 1/2 weeks have been a mix of emotions for me. Coming back to a life I was lived without for 5 weeks was challenging for me. Coming back from having one child for 5 weeks to three children was hard. Feeling I didn't know my boys anymore was devastating. I have overcome those, but am still struggling with one. I want to specify how incredibly happy and blessed I feel to finally have our sweet baby Nya here with us. She & the process to her has brought me so much closer to my Savior than I could have ever imagined. She brings such joy to our family, but there is still a hole. I can't even explain the emotions I had this morning going thru Nya's closet and finding all the clothes I had put aside to pack for Lil J, or to see her little toddler bed tucked away in the back of the closet, to see the one toy of the pair I bought for our girls not being played with by her. I keep trying to tell myself, He has a reason why I only came home with one. I know He has a plan for our Lil J. I struggle with knowing that plan wasn't to be in our family. I keep struggling with silly things like whether I should take her picture off of our livingroom wall or not. It hurts my heart so badly to see her little face on our wall, but not in my arms.
The purpose of this post was to update everyone on how Nya is doing in her forever home (AMAZING), but also ask you all to be in prayer for me as I deal with this struggle. I'm still asking God how I can miss, love, & be so brokenhearted over a sweet little girl I never even met. I'm struggling to find my joy in Him instead of those 2 little feet I thought were suppose to be running around in my house...... so please, if you think of it, keep me in your prayers.....
Again, we are so thankful for everything you all have done for our family thru this whole process, from finacial help, shower gifts, meals while I was away, cleaning my house, and just listening when we needed people to listen, we are so grateful! Thank you!

A bit about this day....

So the day started for us at about 12:30AM. Nya would not stop screaming. Nothing was working for her. She didn't want me to hold her, she didn't want me to put her down, she wouldn't sleep in bed w/ me, she had no clue what she wanted. I noticed John was still awake so I went downstairs to ask Fiona (a girl that works for Bridge Africa, which runs the home we stay at) what she thought I should do. As soon as we hit light, I noticed the right side of her face was quite swollen so I called up our wonderful friend Bill Legere to find out his thoughts then told Fiona we needed to bring Nya somewhere to get checked. We contacted a driver & headed to a 24hr clinic. Luckily it was the clinic that Nya's baby home brings all the children to so they had a chart for her already. I told them I had given her some tylenol because she had a fever earlier so they took her right away to be tested for malaria. She tested negative for the malaria thank God, but did in fact have an ear infection. They gave her some antibiotics & told me to come back if she didn't get better. Are you ready for the cost of the visit & medicine? 9,000 shillings which is $4.00 - $4.50. I am not even kidding! So we returned back to the house at about 1:30AM. Nya finally fell asleep about 10 min. after I gave her the first dose of antibiotics & only woke up once for her bottle.
I woke up at about 7:00AM to prepare for the embassy. We had 1 more piece of paperwork that our lawyer didn't include in our "passport packet" that was needed for our embassy meeting so he told me to text him when I was on my way to the embassy so one of his workers could meet me with it. The 2 other couples & all our 5 kids loaded up in the van to head out when Nya decided it would be the best time to vomit her ENTIRE bottle she had just eaten mins. before loading up all over me. Back into the house Nya & I went. I quickly changed while John changed Nya. We finally got on the road & headed to the embassy. We got to the embassy & waited for the lawyers runner to bring me the paper. My phone rang, & surprise it was my lawyer. I asked him if someone was on their way, & he informed me that he could not find this piece of paper. This piece of paper that was the last thing I needed to go beg for an appointment today. He said he would keep looking for it & if he couldn't find it he would make a new one & let me know when it was available. I'm pretty sure my blood was boiling at this point! We went about our day which included nothing that anything of us had planned. My lawyer called me about 3hrs later to tell me he had the form & was going to send it with the couple that was with him for court that is staying at the same home I am at. I said that was fine seeing as it was way too late for the embassy to even see me at this point. He called me again about 2hrs later to inform me that he forgot to send it with the couple so he would have someone meet me Wed. morning at the embassy before my meeting. OMW! Really? So we got back to the house. Me, having no fight left in me, spoke with Josh who made the decision for us to go directly to our lawyers asap to pick it up myself.
We now have all the paperwork we need for our meeting on Wed. (I hope) Nya is feeling much better & I am at peace with the fact that God wants me here in Ug@nda for a few more days than I would like, but so looking forward to being back into my husband's arms & having my 2 little guys back into my arms.
I am loving your prayers & support & cannot wait to see everyone very soon!

A long awaited update....

I first want to apologize for just now giving an update on the blog over 2 weeks into the trip. I knew lots of people were having issues signing in to read it so I just figured I'd wait til I could put it public again.
Nya is adjusting surprisingly well. I seriously didn't expect her to connect & attach to me as quickly as she did. I'm sure a storm can happen at any time after this smooth calm, but for now she's doing great with her Momma :-) She likes to be with me or attached to me. When someone else is holding her, she makes sure I'm in her sight & then she can have fun with that person. I can see the progression every time we return to the baby home. All the times at the beginning we would go visit the Auntie's & she would smile & reach for them right a way. Today was a different story. She was in my Moby wrap & all the Auntie's would talk to her, but she would just look at them & then look at me & hold on really tight to my arms. You can tell it makes them a little sad. I feel sad for them! They've loved her & cared for her her whole 7 months of life, and now she either doesn't recognize them or is fearful that I will leave her with them. It just doesn't seem fair. I will forever be grateful for the love they gave her. It's because of them that it was so easy for her to love me & attach to me I feel. She knew how to love because of them.
Our ruling yesterday was interesting. We went into the court house & met a family there that had an appt at 10AM & were still waiting when we got there at 11:45. We were a little nervous the judge either wouldn't see us b/c he was behind or Josh would have to leave before we heard the ruling to get to the airport. God, pulled it all together & we were in for the ruling only about an hour later than planned. I told Josh I was going to try to hold back the sobbing if I actually heard what we've been waiting for 3 years to hear. As we sat down, we heard the judge say to our lawyer, "Well, we have a problem..." I think both Josh & my heart dropped at that moment. Come to find out his printer wasn't working so the problem was that he would have to read the ruling off his computer as opposed to reading it off paper... we'll take that problem :-) He started reading off all of Nya's case for about 5-10 minutes then came to the end to say "I see fit that the applicants, Joshua & Anna Cousineau be granted legal guardianship of this child." Yeah that's all I needed & the tears came pouring. His clerk in the office kept watching me. I'm pretty sure she just likes to watch the Mzungus cry :-)
It was hard to send Josh off. I wish he could have stayed with us, but I know how happy the boys will be to finally see him. God worked miraculously to allow Jon to come travel to be with Nya & I for the rest of the trip. We actually were debating on rather or not we would have him come, but God made that decision for us & how happy & grateful I am for it! He'll hopefully be coming on Thur. or Fri. Josh just left last night & I'm already anxious to have family with me.
We have our embassy meeting on Mon. @ 2PM so 7AM your time. Please be praying that we have all the paperwork that is needed & that it is all done correctly so we can head home the end of next week. I am so anxious to love on my boys!!!
I'll be sad to leave here. I am in absolute love with this country. The people are amazing here, so friendly, helpful, & loving. I'm pretty sure this will not be our last trip here ;-) Hoping God has a plan in the making......
Thank you so much for all your prayers, emails, comments, etc. We cannot wait to introduce all you to our sweet baby girl!!!!!

It's Time!

The time has finally come! We will be leaving for Ug@nda Sun. night to go get our sweet baby Nya! We will be arriving in Ug@anda at 11:45 PM Mon. night (Ug@nda time, 3:45PM your time). We're rushing to get things put together, finished, & completed before we go. I've been waiting for 2 1/2 yrs for this, but yet I feel as though it has rushed upon us. It's probably due to the "you need to leave in 4 days" situation.
We received an email yesterday that Lil J left with her dad in Jan. As I wanted so badly to meet her, I've also been asking God to limit the roller-coaster rider on the rest of this journey for me. I'm figuring this was His way of protecting me & getting me through that little part.
We will try to update this blog as much as possible while we're in Ug@nda. I'm not 100% sure the internet is reliable there so I can't promise anything just that we'll try.

Things to pray for:

*Safe & uneventful travels for Josh & I (in the air & we also have about a 2hr drive once we get into Ug@nda to the place we will be staying at. This will be in the middle of the night so please pray for safety for that as well)

*For the boys. They will be in good hands, but we know they will miss us & be affected by this.

*For Bammy (Barb) who will be with the boys.

*For Nya (transitions, bonding etc....)

*For our court hearing which is scheduled for Mar. 10. (I'll update on the time when we find out)

Thank you so much for all your prayers! We're going to need them!

Update

I just realized it's been a while since I've updated. We're still waiting for a court date. Our case was assigned to a judge about a week and half ago, then we received an email a few days later telling us that judge was moved out of family court so we were back to waiting for our case to be assigned to a judge yet again. With elections happening over there right now, we don't expect to hear anything this week or maybe not even next week either :-/
As far as we're concerned Lil J is still at the baby home. We were told we would be somewhat kept in the loop as things happen with her, but have heard absolutely nothing since the bad news that arrived about a month ago.
Nya is doing great. Growing slowly, but little by little. She's still 1 of the most beautiful little things that has come into my world. I can't even imagine & wait to hold her in my arms finally. I know I'll feel as though it's a dream once it actually happens. We're ready for her! I was given a baby shower a couple of weeks ago, & was blessed with everything we needed for our little Nya. Truthfully, we're ready for both our girls should God perform a miracle while we're there & get to bring them both home. I know, I'm not getting my hopes up, but definitely believe God has the power to make it happen.
So we wait...... yet again. The waiting gets harder & harder as time goes by, but through the impatience & struggles I still believe my Savior's timing is perfect & our sweet baby girl will be in our arms at the perfect time.....
A friend put it in the most perfect words in 1 of my shower cards that Nya is one of the most longed for & prayed for baby girl. She really is! It gives me so much peace knowing how many people are praying for both our girls. Thank you so much!