2 1/2 weeks home..... Happiness vs. Heartache

It's been 2 1/2 weeks since Miss Nya and I have been home. She has adjusted insanely well! The boys still love her even after 2 1/2 weeks. We'll see what happens after she's been here a few months, starts getting around, and taking their things :-). She seems to be bonded well with me and Josh. When she's scared, nervous, or just plain moody she seems to be comforted with us. She loves me wearing her in the wrap or sling. She is not enjoying when I put her down or leave the room these days. It still feels like a dream having her here. We waited almost 3 years for a baby girl to be sleeping in that crib! It's hard to believe there finally is, every night! These 2 1/2 weeks have been a mix of emotions for me. Coming back to a life I was lived without for 5 weeks was challenging for me. Coming back from having one child for 5 weeks to three children was hard. Feeling I didn't know my boys anymore was devastating. I have overcome those, but am still struggling with one. I want to specify how incredibly happy and blessed I feel to finally have our sweet baby Nya here with us. She & the process to her has brought me so much closer to my Savior than I could have ever imagined. She brings such joy to our family, but there is still a hole. I can't even explain the emotions I had this morning going thru Nya's closet and finding all the clothes I had put aside to pack for Lil J, or to see her little toddler bed tucked away in the back of the closet, to see the one toy of the pair I bought for our girls not being played with by her. I keep trying to tell myself, He has a reason why I only came home with one. I know He has a plan for our Lil J. I struggle with knowing that plan wasn't to be in our family. I keep struggling with silly things like whether I should take her picture off of our livingroom wall or not. It hurts my heart so badly to see her little face on our wall, but not in my arms.
The purpose of this post was to update everyone on how Nya is doing in her forever home (AMAZING), but also ask you all to be in prayer for me as I deal with this struggle. I'm still asking God how I can miss, love, & be so brokenhearted over a sweet little girl I never even met. I'm struggling to find my joy in Him instead of those 2 little feet I thought were suppose to be running around in my house...... so please, if you think of it, keep me in your prayers.....
Again, we are so thankful for everything you all have done for our family thru this whole process, from finacial help, shower gifts, meals while I was away, cleaning my house, and just listening when we needed people to listen, we are so grateful! Thank you!

A bit about this day....

So the day started for us at about 12:30AM. Nya would not stop screaming. Nothing was working for her. She didn't want me to hold her, she didn't want me to put her down, she wouldn't sleep in bed w/ me, she had no clue what she wanted. I noticed John was still awake so I went downstairs to ask Fiona (a girl that works for Bridge Africa, which runs the home we stay at) what she thought I should do. As soon as we hit light, I noticed the right side of her face was quite swollen so I called up our wonderful friend Bill Legere to find out his thoughts then told Fiona we needed to bring Nya somewhere to get checked. We contacted a driver & headed to a 24hr clinic. Luckily it was the clinic that Nya's baby home brings all the children to so they had a chart for her already. I told them I had given her some tylenol because she had a fever earlier so they took her right away to be tested for malaria. She tested negative for the malaria thank God, but did in fact have an ear infection. They gave her some antibiotics & told me to come back if she didn't get better. Are you ready for the cost of the visit & medicine? 9,000 shillings which is $4.00 - $4.50. I am not even kidding! So we returned back to the house at about 1:30AM. Nya finally fell asleep about 10 min. after I gave her the first dose of antibiotics & only woke up once for her bottle.
I woke up at about 7:00AM to prepare for the embassy. We had 1 more piece of paperwork that our lawyer didn't include in our "passport packet" that was needed for our embassy meeting so he told me to text him when I was on my way to the embassy so one of his workers could meet me with it. The 2 other couples & all our 5 kids loaded up in the van to head out when Nya decided it would be the best time to vomit her ENTIRE bottle she had just eaten mins. before loading up all over me. Back into the house Nya & I went. I quickly changed while John changed Nya. We finally got on the road & headed to the embassy. We got to the embassy & waited for the lawyers runner to bring me the paper. My phone rang, & surprise it was my lawyer. I asked him if someone was on their way, & he informed me that he could not find this piece of paper. This piece of paper that was the last thing I needed to go beg for an appointment today. He said he would keep looking for it & if he couldn't find it he would make a new one & let me know when it was available. I'm pretty sure my blood was boiling at this point! We went about our day which included nothing that anything of us had planned. My lawyer called me about 3hrs later to tell me he had the form & was going to send it with the couple that was with him for court that is staying at the same home I am at. I said that was fine seeing as it was way too late for the embassy to even see me at this point. He called me again about 2hrs later to inform me that he forgot to send it with the couple so he would have someone meet me Wed. morning at the embassy before my meeting. OMW! Really? So we got back to the house. Me, having no fight left in me, spoke with Josh who made the decision for us to go directly to our lawyers asap to pick it up myself.
We now have all the paperwork we need for our meeting on Wed. (I hope) Nya is feeling much better & I am at peace with the fact that God wants me here in Ug@nda for a few more days than I would like, but so looking forward to being back into my husband's arms & having my 2 little guys back into my arms.
I am loving your prayers & support & cannot wait to see everyone very soon!

A long awaited update....

I first want to apologize for just now giving an update on the blog over 2 weeks into the trip. I knew lots of people were having issues signing in to read it so I just figured I'd wait til I could put it public again.
Nya is adjusting surprisingly well. I seriously didn't expect her to connect & attach to me as quickly as she did. I'm sure a storm can happen at any time after this smooth calm, but for now she's doing great with her Momma :-) She likes to be with me or attached to me. When someone else is holding her, she makes sure I'm in her sight & then she can have fun with that person. I can see the progression every time we return to the baby home. All the times at the beginning we would go visit the Auntie's & she would smile & reach for them right a way. Today was a different story. She was in my Moby wrap & all the Auntie's would talk to her, but she would just look at them & then look at me & hold on really tight to my arms. You can tell it makes them a little sad. I feel sad for them! They've loved her & cared for her her whole 7 months of life, and now she either doesn't recognize them or is fearful that I will leave her with them. It just doesn't seem fair. I will forever be grateful for the love they gave her. It's because of them that it was so easy for her to love me & attach to me I feel. She knew how to love because of them.
Our ruling yesterday was interesting. We went into the court house & met a family there that had an appt at 10AM & were still waiting when we got there at 11:45. We were a little nervous the judge either wouldn't see us b/c he was behind or Josh would have to leave before we heard the ruling to get to the airport. God, pulled it all together & we were in for the ruling only about an hour later than planned. I told Josh I was going to try to hold back the sobbing if I actually heard what we've been waiting for 3 years to hear. As we sat down, we heard the judge say to our lawyer, "Well, we have a problem..." I think both Josh & my heart dropped at that moment. Come to find out his printer wasn't working so the problem was that he would have to read the ruling off his computer as opposed to reading it off paper... we'll take that problem :-) He started reading off all of Nya's case for about 5-10 minutes then came to the end to say "I see fit that the applicants, Joshua & Anna Cousineau be granted legal guardianship of this child." Yeah that's all I needed & the tears came pouring. His clerk in the office kept watching me. I'm pretty sure she just likes to watch the Mzungus cry :-)
It was hard to send Josh off. I wish he could have stayed with us, but I know how happy the boys will be to finally see him. God worked miraculously to allow Jon to come travel to be with Nya & I for the rest of the trip. We actually were debating on rather or not we would have him come, but God made that decision for us & how happy & grateful I am for it! He'll hopefully be coming on Thur. or Fri. Josh just left last night & I'm already anxious to have family with me.
We have our embassy meeting on Mon. @ 2PM so 7AM your time. Please be praying that we have all the paperwork that is needed & that it is all done correctly so we can head home the end of next week. I am so anxious to love on my boys!!!
I'll be sad to leave here. I am in absolute love with this country. The people are amazing here, so friendly, helpful, & loving. I'm pretty sure this will not be our last trip here ;-) Hoping God has a plan in the making......
Thank you so much for all your prayers, emails, comments, etc. We cannot wait to introduce all you to our sweet baby girl!!!!!

It's Time!

The time has finally come! We will be leaving for Ug@nda Sun. night to go get our sweet baby Nya! We will be arriving in Ug@anda at 11:45 PM Mon. night (Ug@nda time, 3:45PM your time). We're rushing to get things put together, finished, & completed before we go. I've been waiting for 2 1/2 yrs for this, but yet I feel as though it has rushed upon us. It's probably due to the "you need to leave in 4 days" situation.
We received an email yesterday that Lil J left with her dad in Jan. As I wanted so badly to meet her, I've also been asking God to limit the roller-coaster rider on the rest of this journey for me. I'm figuring this was His way of protecting me & getting me through that little part.
We will try to update this blog as much as possible while we're in Ug@nda. I'm not 100% sure the internet is reliable there so I can't promise anything just that we'll try.

Things to pray for:

*Safe & uneventful travels for Josh & I (in the air & we also have about a 2hr drive once we get into Ug@nda to the place we will be staying at. This will be in the middle of the night so please pray for safety for that as well)

*For the boys. They will be in good hands, but we know they will miss us & be affected by this.

*For Bammy (Barb) who will be with the boys.

*For Nya (transitions, bonding etc....)

*For our court hearing which is scheduled for Mar. 10. (I'll update on the time when we find out)

Thank you so much for all your prayers! We're going to need them!

Update

I just realized it's been a while since I've updated. We're still waiting for a court date. Our case was assigned to a judge about a week and half ago, then we received an email a few days later telling us that judge was moved out of family court so we were back to waiting for our case to be assigned to a judge yet again. With elections happening over there right now, we don't expect to hear anything this week or maybe not even next week either :-/
As far as we're concerned Lil J is still at the baby home. We were told we would be somewhat kept in the loop as things happen with her, but have heard absolutely nothing since the bad news that arrived about a month ago.
Nya is doing great. Growing slowly, but little by little. She's still 1 of the most beautiful little things that has come into my world. I can't even imagine & wait to hold her in my arms finally. I know I'll feel as though it's a dream once it actually happens. We're ready for her! I was given a baby shower a couple of weeks ago, & was blessed with everything we needed for our little Nya. Truthfully, we're ready for both our girls should God perform a miracle while we're there & get to bring them both home. I know, I'm not getting my hopes up, but definitely believe God has the power to make it happen.
So we wait...... yet again. The waiting gets harder & harder as time goes by, but through the impatience & struggles I still believe my Savior's timing is perfect & our sweet baby girl will be in our arms at the perfect time.....
A friend put it in the most perfect words in 1 of my shower cards that Nya is one of the most longed for & prayed for baby girl. She really is! It gives me so much peace knowing how many people are praying for both our girls. Thank you so much!

Can someone please wake me up......

I keep trying to wake myself up. I'm begging God to help this all be a huge nightmare that I'm going to wake up from any time now.....
I got a call today that I never imagined I would get. A man has come into the picture claiming to be Lil J's father. He is proceeding in the court to prove he is her father & that is capable of parenting her. Our little girl is being taken away from us & I can't do anything to stop it. My heart is shattered. I'm sad, angry, confused..... I don't even know what to do with myself. I keep praying that God's will will be done, but I'm so afraid His will is not mine. I know God loves my baby girl more than I can even imagine. I know He has a plan for her little life. I know He'll protect her, but that's not making this any easier on me. We are proceeding with Nya's paperwork. It will be sent to Ug.anda next week sometime so it won't be long til we go to pick our sweet baby Nya up, but I'm going to have a huge whole in my heart going into this. Oh, how I absolutely LOVE Nya & am so excited to go finally get her, but I wasn't just suppose to go get her.... She was suppose to have a sister. I was suppose to have 2 baby girls in my arms flying back to the states with me. We're keeping Lil J's case open so that if anything does happen we will continue on trying to get her home, but as of now just 1 of our 2 baby girls will be coming home with us..........
I wish God could send me an email just telling me why.........It's not fair! I don't understand all this, but I have to keep the faith that His plan is perfect. Please keep Lil J in your prayers. That God's will will be done in her little life & that He will protect her.....

I am so ready for 2011!

Usually I'm not so anxious to start a new year, but I can't control my excitement to finally see 2011 roll in! I am praying 2011 is the year God chooses to finally make me a Mommy of 4. I feel God is really starting to prepare all of us here, I'm praying He's doing the same for our munchkins in Ug@nda as well. I'm starting to get more of a peace about leaving the boys for so long. It's still hard to think about being away from them for a long period of time, but the heart numbing feeling I use to get is not as strong anymore. It's becoming overtaken by the excitement of thinking about finally having our baby girls in my arms & finalizing this journey. He's still working on the flying part I think. The thought of being up in the air for hours upon hours still makes me vomit a bit in my mouth, but that can be treated w/ LOTS of Tylenol PM on the flight I'm hoping :-). The boys are getting more & more excited to meet their little sisters. Braden talks about them quite a bit & prays for them every night. He's even requested a picture of them of his own to be put in his room so he can see them all the time :-). Tanner, I think, is starting to understand a little more what is going on. He keeps asking "When my sissies come?". I've been slipping in the fact to them that Mommy & Daddy will have to be far away for a little while to get their sisters, but that Daddy will be back before they know it, & then they can all come pick their Uncle Johnny, sisters, & Mommy up from the big airplane. Braden's just excited to see the big airplane, & Tanner tells me it's ok if I go, but Daddy needs to stay with him :-). They both say they want to come with us until I inform them on how many shots Daddy & Mommy have to get in order to go. They decide staying with Bammy & Lilly sounds a lot more fun than multiple shots :-).
This time of waiting now is harder than I imagined. Finally knowing their little faces, their names, their stories, knowing they're our little girls but not having them here with their family doesn't seem fair to me. My thoughts wander throughout the day wondering what they are doing. If Nya was held & cuddled while she was fed her bottle, or if it was just propped up on a pillow for a quick fix? If Lil J was given any special attention, or if she just played in the corner all by herself all day? The home the girls are in is extremely nice, and the "aunties" are wonderful, but it's still not the same as them being here with their forever family. I'm praying for some major peace & patience during this time of waiting.

For all of you who regularly pray for us, our girls, & our process, I do have some specifics for some upcoming events......

*Courts open back up on Jan. 7 over there. There will be 3 new people added to seeing cases like ours. (There has only been 1 in the past) Please pray that this will quicken everyone's process there, & that it will help us get to the girls faster. We were told to be prepared to travel in March. I'm not getting my hopes up, but praying fervently that this will help us get to them sooner than March.... Not holding my breath though :-/

*Pray that God will keep preparing all 6 of us for travel/transitions/bonding/etc.

*We're working on some more fundraisers. We thought we were good for the rest of the process, but that was before my stupidity & lack of being able to read :-/ I didn't read some fees right so we are now a little behind funds-wise. Please pray that we can pull the fundraisers together & that we'll be all set when it's time to travel.

I want to thank everyone for your prayers & support. We don't take for granted the community God has blessed us with during this journey. You guys have helped us get through all of this. Thank you so much!