Mommas, remember who you are....

My plan for today was the usual.... get the big kids up, fed, dressed, and off to school. Get the babies up, fed, and off to play. Do some laundry. Do the dishes. Play a little with the babies. Feed them lunch. Get them off to naps. Instead God made me stumble upon this video and this story. I don't know this woman. I've never heard of her until I came across her story scrolling through FaceBook. I haven't blogged for ages, but felt a little voice telling me to tell my story today. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it's for people to see just how broken, and far from perfect I am. Maybe it's to help another momma who's struggling like I did (and still am). I have no idea, but I've learned that when the Spirit prompts you to do something, you do it.
In my 9 years of being a mother, I've learned it's just plain hard! It's not always enjoyable. It's actually painful most days. I feel society looks at it the same way, so badly that women feel compelled to kill that little being living inside of them before they can make their life hard, just like this woman in the video went through. (I'm not debating abortion. I have my feelings on it, and you have yours. In my perspective, every human being is made in His image, in or out of a woman's body. I'm done now.) I've never been to the point where I've felt mothering was so hard that I want to end my baby's life, but I do understand it's hard. Our family has been through a very rough couple of years. I could probably say these past couple of years have been the most difficult yet. Between 2 new babies, church planting, family health issues, challenging children, it's just been plain hard.....When we had our 4th baby (3rd biological), everything changed. I felt like a totally different person. I remember telling myself just to get through the day until my husband could get home. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone around me. I remember booking it up to my bedroom with the baby the second my husband walked through the door. Now don't get me wrong, I am head-over-heels in love with my husband, and I love my children (more than I should sometimes), but at this point in my life, I just wanted it to be me and the baby. I hated going to bed at night, knowing I had to wake up to real life again. This went on for quite a while so long it just became normal to me. I was so broken. I couldn't stand people, including my children and my husband, but I felt so guilty about it, I kept it to myself. Fast forward to about 10 months later. Our 10 month old was finally sleeping 2-3 hour intervals at night. He wasn't constantly nursing all day long. Life was getting tolerable. I mentioned to my husband I was done with having more kids. Done with the newborn stage. The baby had been so draining and challenging, I didn't ever want to do it again. About a month later our fostering story began. I won't go into details. Baby girl's story will be hers to tell one day if she'd like, but needless to say a whirlwind began..... again. She was born about a month earlier than expected. My husband and I were heading to the hospital to meet her for the first time. As I sat in the car outside of Dunkin Donuts across from the hospital waiting for my husband to grab coffees for bio-mom and dad, my phone rang. I picked it up to hear my sister's voice on the other line. I have 2 sisters. We are all very, very close so I could tell by her voice that something was wrong. The words that came out of her mouth are probably the most heartwrenching, dreaded words that can come out of a human being's mouth. "Mom has cancer." I don't even remember what I said to my sister. When people say time stands still, it actually does. I felt like the world around me completely stopped. I just remember hanging up the phone and being so incredibly angry at God. I kept telling myself, "God, I'm suppose to go into this hospital to meet this new baby, to show Your love to this bio-mom and dad, and all I want to do is curse You right now!"
Life went on. I now had an 8, 6, 3, and 1 year old, and now a newborn at home. I had to be updated on my mom, her treatments, and her conditions from my sisters. I remember on days she had her chemo treatments being so resentful towards my kids. I kept telling myself it was because of them that I couldn't be with my mom during the hardest thing she's had to go through. I still to this day struggle with my guilt from not being there for her through that time. I felt so incredibly alone. I remember waking up in the morning and feeling like I was watching my life happen from the outside. I remember just trying to get through my days, and then going to bed at night thinking my children would be less screwed up and more cared for if I was no longer here. I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life. I was believing the lie that was being said to me over and over again that "You ARE in fact a failure. You're a horrible mother. You're a horrible wife. You're a horrible daughter......" I had forgotten who I truly was. It got to the point where my husband made me go see my doctor. I knew driving there what she was going to tell me. That I was depressed and needed to go on meds. I was angry at myself when the doctor in fact did tell me that. I went home that day feeling like a failure as His child too, along with all the rest of the things I felt I was a failure at. Why couldn't I allow Him to get me through this? Why didn't I trust Him enough?
Ladies, we are His! We are His daughters! He has picked us! He loves us! We are beautiful and perfect in His eyes.....always! Not just some days, but ALL.THE.TIME! We are still beautiful to Him when we yell at our children, when we fail to submit to our husbands, when we burn dinner or better yet forget to plan dinner. He sees us as His perfect daughters when we have dishes stacked so high in the sink we can't fill our kids' cups up with water, when you are so behind in laundry you have to dig through to find the cleanest pants and shirt in the hamper for your kid to wear to school. We as moms have to be so many things to so many people. Our life is not our own, but as a believer, our life is not our own to begin with. God has called us to an incredible calling. These little minions running around us learn through us. We cannot write their salvation. We will not write their stories, but we will be a big part of it. Through us they will learn love. Through us they will see we love because we are loved. And when we forget why we're doing what we're doing, God reminds us through those beautiful, little minions why He entrusted them to us. Some of the most beautiful times with my little blessings were after some of my most nasty, sinful days. From a little voice saying "Mumma, I love you so much! You're the best Mumma ever!" to having my anxious, little guy come home from counseling with a paper he wrote out "Things that help me when I'm nervous" and "Knowing my mom is always there for me" at the top of the list. God uses my children to let me know just how merciful and loving He really is. Even though things have gotten easier for me, I don't think the circumstances have changed, I strongly believe that things are better because I'm remembering the truth He's told me and the promises He's made to me. I am constantly chanting to myself throughout the day that I am His. He will not fail me. My children will fail me. My husband will fail me, but He never will. I am His! (some days this chant is said very loudly and many, many times :-)
Mommas don't forget who you are. You are a beautiful, perfect daughter of the most high King. As moms, what do we do to our kids when they fall? We run to them, find out if they're ok, wipe them off, fix their boo-boo, kiss them and hug them, and then send them off to try again. Our perfect Father does that for us every time we fail, and He's promised to do that daily for us. You are not doing this alone. Whether you're a single mom, working mom, a mom with a loving, involved husband, a mom with a non-existing, non-helpful husband, God has promised to be with you and never leave your side (Joshua 1:9). And when you fail (yes, i said when, because we all will fail, many, many times a day) read Lamentations 3: 21-24. Never lose sight of who you are. It's in those times the enemy slips in and whispers those little lies to you....
I encourage you as a fellow mom, find another momma you can confide in. Be completely open with them. Ask them for help when needed. Ask them for prayer. Let them listen when you just need to pour your ugly heart out. Be a fellow momma that will listen, non judgmentally ladies. If you have no one, contact me. I would love to pray with and for you. I would love to listen to your struggles and hurts. We're in this together.......

6 Months Old!

Look who's 6 months old today! Whaaaa? Already? How in the world did this happen so quickly? Crazy!

A little about me at 6 months old:

*I eat baby cereal occasionally, but still only crazy about Mommy's milk.
*I still don't have any teeth, but my slobber & constant gnawing on things are letting people know there may be some teeth popping up very soon.  
*I love watching my brothers & sister play.
*I can scope out my brother Tanner in a crowd of kids & focus mainly on him. I find him quite interesting & extremely funny. Mommy says this scares her a little. I'm not quite sure why? Tanner's very entertaining....
*I'm very energetic! I love to move! If I'm not moving the way I want, I will surely let you know.
*I enjoy Mommy & me time, all night long. I figure I can have her full attention then since everyone else is sleeping :-)
*I'm starting to enjoy others, as long as Mommy is still in my sight.
*I love to be outside! Mommy says she's actually excited for this summer.....something about finally having a beach baby?
*I can only roll from my belly to my back. This may be my fault since I hate belly time, & hate whenever Mommy puts me down.
*I'm the 1st anti-social Cousineau baby. If I'm not with Mommy in a big crowd, I easily freak out & am not easily calm-down-able..... I'll smile & laugh at you from afar, but I very much dislike people in my face! Personal space, people! Personal space!  
*My favorite place to be is on Mommy. When she gets my MobyWrap out & starts wrapping it around her, I know exactly what it is for & wave my arms like crazy because I'm so excited to get in there!
*I'm the biggest Momma boy you will ever meet! No, seriously.... I really am! 
*Mommy's planning on doing updates like these because she says with 4 kids the odds of her being able to scrapbook ever again are very low so this will help her remember....

September 2.....

This is the second year I've dreaded seeing September 2 come around. I've prayed on September 1 both years before bed that I could wake up to September 3 instead and totally skip over the 2nd. You see sweet girl, most Momma's look forward to her children's birthdays, being able to remember that day her sweet baby was placed in her arms. To be able to treat them special on their special day. To be able to tell them how much she loves them, loves having them in her life and how her life would not be complete without them. Your Momma struggles still knowing that when September 2 comes around, I can't do that with you in person. I feel this way about you baby girl, but I feel so empty knowing you will never be in my arms, that I will never be able to see your little face in person. I remember the day your little face come onto my computer, but I also remember that day we got the call and God said He had better plans for you. I still think about you constantly. I pray for you constantly. I think about what you could be doing during the day. I also think about what it would have been like to have you here running around with your brothers and sister, and being in my arms whenever I wanted. I still long for that day even though I know it won't ever happen. I have to stop myself when someone asks me how many kids I have. In my heart I want to say two girls. Even though it was never legal, you are still my little girl. I pray with all my heart sweet girl that someone made you feel special today. I pray with all my heart that someone picked you up, hugged you, loved on you, and told you how incredibly blessed this world is because God brought you into it. I pray with all my heart that God will allow you to feel even an ounce of the love I have for you.
Happy 4th birthday my sweet Jireh Grace! Your Momma on this side of the world loves you more than you could and will ever know!

Happy Father's Day

Josh,
I just want to thank you for the man God has made you to be. Your love for our Savior makes me strive to love and know Him more. I love the way you lead and care for our family. You love and cherish me even with all my faults. You actually enjoy spending time with me and the kids. Some men sadly don't enjoy their family. I love that when you walk thru the door after some very long days of work, I feel a weight lifted off of me because I know my helper and partner has arrived to help me thru the rest of the day instead of planting himself on the couch in front of the TV or computer. The love and passion you have for our church family astounds me. I am so thankful I have a man as the father of my children that I can honestly say, "I pray you grow up to be exactly like your father". I love you so much Josh. I am thankful God has chosen you to be the one I walk thru this life with. Your children absolutely love and adore you! Thank you for being you! Happy Father's Day! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo



Dad,
My favorite thing about you is having fun on your days off. I like when you go to the beach with me. I like when you're only here. I love you so much Dad! Love, Braden



Daddy,
I like it when you wrestle with me. I love it when you play with me. I like it when you sing me songs at night. I love you. Happy birthday and happy father's day! Love, Tanno




I love Daddy. Love, Nya


Daddy,
I can't wait to meet you! I can't wait for those countless nights I fall asleep rolled up in a ball on your chest like my big brothers did. See you in 6 months! Love, Baby Kooz #4

Welcome 12 weeks!

So when we talked about getting pregnant again, I didn't really think it would be that big of a deal. I thought it would be a piece of cake since it would be my 3rd pregnancy and 4th child. HA! What I didn't remember is the last time I was pregnant it was 5 years ago, and I had a perfectly well behaved, easy going 14 month old. This time I have a homeschooling 6 year old, an industrious, energetic, very curious 4 year old, and a needy, busy little 22 month old. Add 24hr nausea, major mood swings, and complete exhaustion to the mix and it doesn't all mix very well. Unfortunately for the hubs, my complete disgust and intolerance for the smell of coffee is in full force in this pregnancy as it was with the other two. At least we're saving money with the lack of Starbucks stops I've been making ;-) Needless to say, the 3rd time's not a charm in my case. Thankfully Josh's morning sickness subsided a few weeks ago (yes, he gets sympathy morning sickness for me). I am now 12 weeks along, and thank God that is bringing a whole lot less nausea, and I no longer gag thru my morning from the smell of coffee that was brewed hours before I woke up. I am not sure as to when the exhaustion will disappear. I'm thinking since we're adding another blessing to the mix, probably never, but that's something I can deal with I guess. I feel as though I am larger than life already. I almost want to say I'm the size now at 12 weeks that I was at 4 months for Tanner. Maybe it's just me, but I truly do feel that way so much that I was a little scared I was maybe carrying more than one. No worries! I've asked many, many times if they were sure there was really only one in there. They've assured me multiple times they only see one. The boys are now very excited. They put their little hands to my belly to see if they can feel it kick yet. I don't think it matters how many times I tell them they won't feel it for a while, they'll keep trying. Braden likes me to read every week the development of the baby and to see what it looks like each week. Tanner constantly asks me if the baby is coming out today. It might be a long 6 more months for him. :-) Nya doesn't really understand. When we tell her there's a baby in Mumma's belly, she points to her belly and says "Nya too!". One thing I've learned that doesn't get old, is hearing our peanuts heartbeat. I'm pretty sure every time we've heard it so far my eyes have filled with tears. I feel like I'm so busy that sometimes I forget that I'm actually growing a human being in me. Seeing it on the ultrasound moving around reminds me the peanut is there and makes me excited and anxious to know whether it will be wearing purple or blue (yes, we will definitely be finding out if it cooperates).
So there's a little update on BabyKooz#4 and a couple of pictures of the quickly growing baby bump at 8 weeks and 12 weeks.....

1 Year Home....

It was today that Nya and I were finally able to join the rest of our family. It was a long but very enjoyable 5 weeks in Uganda. I fell in love with the country, and if I could've chosen whether we joined our family or they joined us in Uganda, I think I would have chosen the latter. I miss the culture. I miss the friendly, loving people. I miss the friends we got to know very well and made family there. I miss the smell. I miss the red dirt. I miss that it was something of Nya's. I plain ol' miss the place.
I still remember the feeling I had the entire trip home. I felt like it wasn't real. I kept having to check to see if Nya was still with me. I was so anxious to see my boys and my husband. I had butterflies just thinking about seeing them again. When I first saw my boys, I just remember thinking how huge they were. Apparently kids (especially boys) grow quite a bit in 5 weeks. I was shocked. I guess I didn't take that into consideration. I remember hugging Josh and feeling a huge weight off of me. I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I had my helper back and I was so grateful for it. Leaving the airport and arriving home was amazing. I didn't want to leave Josh and the boys for a very long time. I was ready to jump back into "my" life, the life I had left 5 weeks ago.
Haha! I was about to have a rude awakening. The next couple of weeks were so hard for me. I felt so alone, so inadequate as a wife and mother. I felt like if I was caring for the boys' needs, I wasn't caring for Nya's, and when I was caring for Nya, I was not caring for the boys. I remember a couple of times the boys needing something and asking my sister, mother-in-law, or a friend to help instead of coming to me, their own Mom. When you're with your kids day in and day out, you're used to providing for them, so to have them go to someone else when I was sitting right next to them was a slap in the face to me. I had to keep reminding myself that those others had been caring for them for 5 weeks. They were only doing what they were used to doing at this point. I felt like I didn't know my boys anymore. I didn't know their likes and dislikes anymore. I didn't know their routine anymore. It was such a helpless and hurtful feeling for me.
Then on top of all that, I remember Nya waking up every morning and thinking to myself, "This is not the little girl I bonded with in Uganda." She wasn't who she was in her own country, in her own environment, 1 on 1 with her new Momma. I was constantly trying to prove my love to her, and still feel I have to do that to this day. That's a tiring feeling. When you have 9 months of a baby growing inside of you, then nursing them and caring for them after they are born, that bonding is a love they need and strengthens the relationship between you and the baby. I didn't have that with Nya. I felt that battle daily of feeling like no matter what I did for her or with her she wasn't seeing me as her Momma, only another "auntie" like one of the many who cared for her at the Baby Home. It took her almost this whole year to finally call me Momma. Up until about a month or so ago, I was Dadda to her. That was hard for me as well, but so rewarding now to finally hear her little voice cry out "Mumma" and know she actually means me. Even to this day our relationship is a struggle. She's still learning to trust me, and I'm still trying to gain her approval and show her I'm her Momma, I love her, and am not leaving her. I still put her to bed some nights and think, "Can I do this? Can I be the mom she needs?"
When people say "adoption is not for the faint of heart", I understand what it really means. I was naive and thought that was just until our sweet baby girl was placed into my arms. I had no idea it was going to be so hard after she got home too. The better days are far surpassing the harder days now. But as hard as it is some days, I love our Little Miss so much. She has spunk and definitely some attitude. I wouldn't give her up for the world. I look at her sometimes and wonder how it could be possible for a baby from so far away, from a totally different culture, to be made so perfectly for our family? I don't care how long it will take for me to prove to her how much I love her and that I'm not leaving her. She is my baby girl, and I will work as hard as I can til I see that love and trust in her eyes for me.....I can almost see it, and with our Savior's help, I know it will be soon. This past year has taught me a lot about myself and my weakness. I am so thankful for His strength, grace, and mercy towards me....

Below is the video of Nya and I arriving home.....

Greater Judgement....

I was excited to see this Kony2012 video go viral on Facebook last night. I kept smiling every time I saw someone else repost it. When Uganda was brought to our attention for an adoption option a couple of years back, someone told us to watch this video. We switched from the Ethiopian program to the Ugandan program shortly after watching it. I couldn't wrap my mind around someone doing that to anyone never mind children. The thing that saddens me the most is that it's taken til 2012 for people to finally hear who Joseph Kony is, for people to see what he is doing. It angers me to think that if this was done years and years ago how many children's lives would have been saved from torture, rape, and death. I am praying for the soldiers who are out there looking for him, fighting on behalf of those children. I feel helpless that I can't do more, but then remember the power of prayer. Please pray with me for this war to end, for the children's safety that are in Kony's custody right now and in the future, for the soldiers/people searching and fighting on these children's behalf, and that Kony will be found and put a stop to all he is in charge of. Bring awareness and pray.
My comfort in this situation is knowing that no matter what happens, Kony will someday stand before the Almighty Judge. The Judge he will stand before later, will bring greater judgement then anything Kony will see here on earth.....Praise God for that!